Jokes of the day for Friday, 05 June 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 05 June 2009
  • Currently 9.48/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (93)

Deserted island

Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship.

One day, his committment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking.

April asked Harry, "what is something you've REALLY missed being out here on a desserted island for so long?"

"A clean shirt," was Harry's response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt.

April let out a short huff, but persevered: "Surely there's SOMETHING you've really missed out here...all alone...on an island with NOBODY all this time?"

"Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is: I'd REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on."

April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, "C'mon, Harry, wouldn't you like to play around?"

Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. "Don't tell me you have a set of GOLF CLUBS in there, too?!???!?!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.55/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (29)

What Would Tiger Do?

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, I have a confession to make. Im not a virgin. Ive been with one other guy.
Oh yeah? Who was the guy?
Tiger Woods, the golfer.
Well, hes rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. What are you doing? asks the wife.
Im hungry. Im calling room service.
Tiger wouldnt do that.
Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?
Hed come back to bed and do it a second time.
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
What are you doing now? she asks.
Im still hungry, so Im going to ring room service for some food.
Tiger wouldnt do that.
Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?
Hed come back to bed and do it one more time.
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, Are you calling room service?
No! Im calling Tiger Woods to find out whats par for this hole!
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (2)

Father Murphy walks into a pub...

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first
man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do
Father." The priest said, "Then stands over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to get to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply."Then stand over there against
the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and
said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die,
yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

Q: What do yo...

Q: What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A: A wine and cheese party.
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (2)

Hookers

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Cookies in Heaven?

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.92/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (13)

CINEMANIA: Guess the movie title

A pragmatic U.S. Marine observes the dehumanizing effects the U.S.-Vietnam War has on his fellow recruits from their brutal boot camp training to the bloody street fighting in Hue. Film was made in 1987.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Georgy Porgey pudding pie
...

Georgy Porgey pudding pie
kissed the girls and made them cry

when the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay!!!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

The big bad wolf went up to th...

The big bad wolf went up to the three little pigs' straw house. He said: "I'll huff and I'll puff until I blow your house down."
One of the pigs said: "Go away or I'll sneeze on you."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (4)

Blonde Avoiding Trees


A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
"Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (6)

Anniversary Flowers

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.93/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (28)

The Horney Rooster

...

The Horney Rooster

A farmer looses his prize stud rooster just when he needs his hens fertilized most for some new chicks. He looks all over the county for a new stud rooster and finally finds one about to be killed at the slaughter house.

The butcher says, "No you don't want this one he's too horny."

The farmer says, "Perfect I'll take him." He turns the rooster loose in the hen house and hears nothing but squawking hens all day. He's eating supper and hears the ducks starting to quack loudly on the pond. He's getting ready for bed and hears the cows bellowing in the barn.

The next morning he wakes up to the sound of the pigs squealing. So he locks his wife and daughter in the house so the rooster won't get them, walks outside and finds the rooster laying exhausted and dehydrated in the driveway with buzzards circling overhead.

He walks to the rooster and says, "Gol-dang it rooster if you'd have paced yourself, you could have had the run of this place for years" The rooster looks at him with one eye cocked open, points to the buzzards and whispers, "Shhhhhh. They're about ready to land, Shhh.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 March 2009
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

How do you expect to get into heaven?

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!'"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 June 2008
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (10)

Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer


10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.





#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 June 2008
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (8)

One day, in line at the cafete...

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab...
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

And, as always, thank you for shopping at Walmart.
#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 June 2008
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (5)

A fellow is looking for someth...

A fellow is looking for something in his wife's jewelry box. He finds an envelope containing 3 kernels of corn and $15. Curious, he calls to his wife, "Honey, what are these kernels of corn doing in this envelope in your jewelry box?." His wife replies, "Well, Dear, I haven't always been faithful to you. To remind me of the commitment I made when we said our marriage vows, I put a kernel of corn in that envelope every time I've been unfaithful." The husband finds his wife's efforts at staying faithful touching and says he forgives her. But what about the fifteen dollars?, he asks. "Well," she explains, "when corn gets to five dollars a bushel, I sell it!."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 June 2008
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Lawyer... Genius

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
#joke #short #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 June 2008
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (3)

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