Jokes of the day for Saturday, 13 June 2009

One Chinese person walks into ...

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw
Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to
him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed
your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the
Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
same."

Q: Why do wom...

Q: Why do woman have boobs?
A: So you have something to look at when they're talking to you.

God is Watching

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Moving through the line a boy wrote another note to leave by the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

"There was a huge acciden...

"There was a huge accident today. Apparently a bunch of Republican candidates trying to distance themselves from President Bush ran into a bunch of Democrat candidates trying to distance themselves from John Kerry. They just collided in the middle. It was gruesome."
--Jay Leno

Baseball in heaven.....

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

What did the traffic warden sa...

What did the traffic warden say to the librarian?

Robert Schmidt 10

You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country.
I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another.
She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.
Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to hit your own ball.
The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles.
I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.
Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?

Decisions

There are three guys in a small boat and it's sinking fast.

In the boat is a Frenchman, an American, and a Puerto Rican.

They decide that they have to throw some things overboard in order to save themselves.

"Well, I have too much of this wine and cheese," says the Frenchman, and he throws some overboard.

"Yeah, and I have too many bananas," says the Puerto Rican and he throws some overboard.

"Well, let me think," says the American, and he throws the Puerto Rican overboard.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Tantilazing

Dear Dogs and Cats,
Animal...

Dear Dogs and Cats,
Animal Humor. Cat and dog jokes.

The dishes with the paw print belong to you and contain your food. The rest of the dishes belong to me and contain my food.

Please note, if you put a paw print in the middle of my plate or food, that does not stake a claim for it. It is still mine. I also do not find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

NASCAR did not design the stairway. It is not a racetrack. Trying to beat me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me will not help you win because I will fall faster than you can run.

A king-sized bed is the largest that is made. I cannot get anything bigger. I am sorry about this. Do not expect me to continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats are capable of curling into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular next to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

Sticking your tail out straight and hanging your tongue out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I manage to beat you there and get the door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, claw, try to turn to doorknob, or squeeze your paw under the door to try to pull it open. I have to exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years -- feline or canine attendance is not required.

Gravity-Defying Tequila

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him cant believe what he just saw. Hes more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and were hundreds of feet above the ground!
The jumper responds by slurring, Well, I dont get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch. He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesnt slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. Youre really an a**hole when youre drunk, Superman.

Next time someone asks you if ...

Next time someone asks you if they can "sneak by you," ask them how the hell they plan to do that when you know they are going by.

Tell them that next time they should not warn you, and maybe, just maybe, they could sneak by.

Two men were hunting deer when...

Two men were hunting deer when a large bear rears up and begins to charge them.

The one man puts his running shoes on and begins to run with the other man.

The second man asks why he put them on because it wont help him out run the bear.

He said "I don't need to out run the bear I need to out run you."

Blind date

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

Jokes to Impress Girlfriend

What did the barista say to their crush?
I like you a latte.

If you were a phone from Apple, then you would be called iGorgeous.

Are you a parking ticket?
Because you've got fine written all over you.

You are hotter than the bottom of my laptop after I have been binge-watching Netflix.

What did one raspberry say to the other?
I love you berry much.

Is your name Wi-Fi?
Because I feel a connection.

What did the magnet say to the fridge?
You're attractive.

Can I borrow a kiss from you?
I promise you that I will give it back.

Wait! Before you cast those dreamy eyes on me, I want to get my maps and GPS ready.
Okay, go!

Knock knock.

Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you stunning!

I believe in following my dreams.
Can I have your Instagram?
Knock knock.

Who's there?
Cheese.
Cheese who?
Cheese, you're awfully cute!

My therapist and I have been trying to figure out why I seem to have lost my mind.
Then I realized that it's all your fault.
I'm crazy for you.

Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweet-hearts!

What did the calculator say to the pen?
You can always count on me!

Why did the Melons get married in a church?
Because they cantaloupe.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! Somebody call the cops because it's got to be illegal to look that good!

What did the squirrel say to its lover?
I'm nuts for you!

Now, what's on the menu?
Me-n-u

Why shouldn't you break up with a goalie?
Because they're a keeper.

What did the two prunes call their dinner plans?
A date.

Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?

Do you have a name or can I just call you mine?

They say kissing is a love language.
Do you want to start a conversation?

You must be a banana because you're very a-peeling.

I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?

Ouch! I must have scraped my knee falling for you.

Are you the sun?
Because my whole world revolves around you.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I pass by you again?

I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.

[Sneeze as you walk by them] Oh no need to bless me.
God already did by putting you in my life.

Do I know you?
Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

Hey.
I'm an unemployed guy with a certificate in cuddling, a diploma in caring, and a degree in kissing.
Do you have a job for me?

What a talent...

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happened upon an old tribesman lying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribeman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, white, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.

"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"

"No," said the old tribesman, weakly. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"