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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Sunday, Jun the 14th 2009
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Bill Gates in Hell |
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go.
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?
St. Peter replies, That was just the screen saver. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Penny for Thoughts |
| Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her
thoughts? A: Change. |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Who Owns The Cows? |
After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his fatherâs activities and be introduced to his fatherâs clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.
The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer--a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workmanâs clothing. He said,
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"
The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"
After the client left, the lawyerâs son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."
"Donât worry about the cows!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Stopped for speeding... |
| A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place . . . The man says, 'What's the problem, Officer?'
Officer: 'You were going at least 75 in a 55-zone.'
Man: 'No Sir, I was going 65.'
Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you were going 80.' (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.'
Man: 'Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!'
Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.' (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.'
Man: 'Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.'
Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.'
The man turns to his wife and yells, 'SHUT YOUR MOUTH!'
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?'
The wife says, 'No, only when he's been drinking!!!' |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 7.9/10 (8 votes cast) |
A man visited a fortuneteller and sat down in front of her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children," she said.
"That's what you think," the man replied. "I'm the father of three children."
The fortuneteller smiled and said, "That's what you think." |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 6.4/10 (5 votes cast) |
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| A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out ..." and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty." The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again when the minister got to ..." and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?" the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ." The Minister said "That's right, that's Right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to ..." and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said, "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off." |
Permalink | Source : Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
Rating: 6.4/10 (9 votes cast) |
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Bless This Car
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A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe. |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 7.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
Q: Why do woman have boobs?
A: So you have something to look at when they're talking to you. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw
Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to
him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed
your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the
Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
same."
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Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 6.3/10 (4 votes cast) |
Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.
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Permalink | Source : Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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