A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate...A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia.
Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer,
"What is your business in Australia?"
"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.
The customs officer then asked,
"Do you have a conviction record?"
Confused, the Kiwi then replied,
"I didn't think you still needed one."
Q: What does ...Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring!
The basketball coach stormed i...The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.
"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
Customer ComplaintsA man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?
"In an interview with CNN..."In an interview with CNN this week, Dick Cheney said he may need more heart surgery. Cheney says his doctors have advised him to cut out all red meat, avoid stress and drop the extra 175 pounds (Bush picture on screen) that have been weighing him down." -- Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
Guess the name of musician
Just like dad...
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like Dad!"
Her mother replied, "So what you want from me, sympathy?"
Beat the CasinoQ: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?
A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers.
What did the traffic warden sa...What did the traffic warden say to the librarian?
Bill Gates cannot hire houseke...Bill Gates cannot hire housekeepers, although he has interviewed hundreds.
Everyone he interviews says they don't do windows.
Answering Machine Message 139
If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number...
Recalled Chrstimas Toys
Recalled Christmas Toys
- Broken Bag-O-Glass
- Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
- Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
- Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
- Switchblade Barney
- Pork-n-Beany Babies
- Make your own moonshine kit
- Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)
A farmer goes out one day and ...A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
A mathematician, an accountant...A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says; "What do you want it to equal?"
Rise Caesar!A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."
The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."
So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!"
And his cock rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed.
"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."
But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."
Ham sandwich with mustard...
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife who suddenly appeared at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich, when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was NOT mustard!
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"