Jokes of the day for Thursday, 18 June 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 18 June 2009
  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (66)

Toughest Time
"I had th...

Toughest Time
"I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
I don't know how I pulled through it.... It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

Q: How do you...

Q: How do you kill a blonde?

A: Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

My kids love going to the Web,...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Oliver Twist

Dave and his new wife had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

An Atheist’s Hell

A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, "Arthur proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (2)

The Purina Diet Craze

...

The Purina Diet Craze

I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to stagger out the door
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A+B+C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (3, 6, 11, 17, 20, 25, 59, 62, 67, 82) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A+B+C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Harmonica...

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.09/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (11)

His And Her Road Trips


HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all
But she is laughing inside...
And of course you're still lost.

#joke #thanksgiving
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (5)

Failed driving test

Q: Why did the blonde fail her driving test?

A: Because she was not used to being in the front seat.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.97/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (31)

What's orange and sounds like ...

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Material Damage

A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.
Officer, look what theyve done to my Beemer!
You yuppies are so materialistic, its ridiculous retorted the officer. Youre so worried about your stupid BMW, you didnt even notice that your left arm was ripped off.
Oh, my God! screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. My Rolex!
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.77/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (13)

A guy got on a bus one day and...

A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper"?

The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 25 June 2008
  • Currently 6.22/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (9)

Surfing The Internet


Surfin' the Net

So I think I'm in the clear

the boss is no where in sight

I logon to the web and start to surf

and then my hair stands up with fright


the footsteps coming down the hall

are quickening in pace

there is no time to exit

no way to save my face


so I press the power button

and relax just a bit

there is no way he can tell

exactly what I hit


I act all surprised

don't know why my machine died

"simply unpredictable these

computers are!" I cried


"So we'll get you a new one

a computer that won't crash" he exclaims

Do you think he'll wonder

when the new one acts the same?





#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 June 2008
  • Currently 2.87/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (30)

Nothing personal....

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been been walking in his sleep since childhood."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 June 2008
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

Gorilla Control

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.
"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."
"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"
"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 June 2008
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (6)

A tourist walks into a pet sho...

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please."

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000."

The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper. "That was a very expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

"Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looks at the monkeys in that cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000 dollars! What does it do?."

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

"Well, I don't know if it does anything, but it says it's a Consultant."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 June 2008
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

"Dick Cheney gave an inte...

"Dick Cheney gave an interview to Fox News. I don't want to say Fox News was lenient, but the first question they asked was, 'Who do you like in American Idol?'" -- Jay Leno
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 June 2008
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (5)

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