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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Saturday, Jun the 20th 2009
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Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom |
A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.
Ill loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when hes making love, says the carpenter.
Ill hot wire his mattress so theyll feel immense heat while making love, says the electrician.
Those are good ideas, says the dentist. But my contributions going to be a real surprise.
The next day the new husband comes to the diner to meet his friends. He says I congratulate you guys for making the bed heat up and collapse, but Im gonna kill whichever one of you put novocaine in the massage oil! |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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3 of them are dead |
| There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse."
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.
When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse.'"
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.
"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse."
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 1.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Play The Office Game |
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:
ONE POINT
Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINTS
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINTS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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jokes of the day ads
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jokes of the day ads
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New savings account... |
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, Darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down, 'Piggy.'
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Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
One morning, a company CEO read an unusual letter from one of his employees:
Dear Bo\$\$,
A\$ all of u\$ have read in the new\$paper\$, the U\$ economy ha\$ come out of the rece\$\$ion.
In thi\$ life, we all need \$ome thing mo\$t de\$perately. I think you \$hould be under\$tanding of the need\$ of u\$ worker\$ who have given \$o much \$upport including \$weat and \$ervice to your company.
I am \$ure you will gue\$\$ what I mean and re\$pond \$oon.
Your\$ \$incerely,
Norman
-----------------------------------------
The next day, the employee received this reply:
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as of yet.
NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 4.3/10 (8 votes cast) |
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jokes of the day ads
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jokes of the day ads
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| After a series of tests, the 3 top candidates were chosen for a final interview with the CIA Director for a job opening. The first one's interview went really well... so the Director says: "I think you are the right man for the job, there is just one last thing you must do to prove your loyalty, here is a gun, go to the next room and shoot your wife." The man stands up and says, "Sorry Sir, I can't do that" and walks out. The same thing happens with the second applicant. The third guy's interview went well, so he is asked to prove his loyalty to the future job in the same way. The Guy takes the gun, goes next door. The CIA Director hears : "Bang...".. pause ...... "Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang." ..... long pause..... then a scuffle and noises...... silence. The third applicant returns to the Director's office and says" Some Idiot loaded this gun with blanks... so I had to strangle her!" |
Permalink | Source : Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
Rating: 7.4/10 (10 votes cast) |
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A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
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"My other car is a broomstick." |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from?"
The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied, "I am from a place where we do NOT end our sentences with a preposition."
Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where are y'all from, bitch?" |
Permalink | Source : Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
Just as Skilled
A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair.
"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."
"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body. The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."
"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is running."
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Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 5.9/10 (7 votes cast) |
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."
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Permalink | Source : Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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