Three Aussie guys were working...Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
A priest and a rabbi are walki...A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street. A handsome young boy passes them and the priest says, "Boy, I'd like to screw him."
The rabbi says, "Out of what?"
Hair ColorAn old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
Muldoon Mourns his Mutt
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Barbie's Letter To Santa...Barbie's Letter To Santa
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
Calculate the number 511
Knock Knock Collection 050
You just said it!
Don Giovanni who?
Don Giovanni talk to me!
Don Juan who?
Don Juan to go to school today!
You might be a redneck if 21You might be a redneck if...
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Car FunWhen is a car not a car? When it turns into a parking lot.
Why did the first monkey fall ...Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it died.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was holding hands with the first monkey
why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
because it thought they were playing a game!
Murphy's Law of Toast
The probability of the toast landing jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.