Jokes of the day for Sunday, 05 July 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 05 July 2009
  • Currently 9.61/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (75)

There once was a lady who was ...

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
#joke
  • Currently 6.07/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (14)

Q: What do ac...

Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A: Depreciation.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Married 50 Years

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

The Best Zen Teacher

Who is the best Zen teacher?
M.T. Ness

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.18/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (11)

A rich women goes to the polic...

A rich women goes to the police station and asks the police officer to write a complaint about her missing dog. He say "you should give a brief description about your dog".

She says one of his ears is missing, one of his eyes is missing, one of his legs his missing and his tail is half cut off. He asks for the dogs name.

She replies "lucky".
#joke
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Play your age...

A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number.

“Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested.

The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.

The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over.

“Did she win?” he asked.

“No” replied the attendant.

“She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.”

#joke
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Replace asterisk symbols with ...

Replace asterisk symbols with a letters (D**** P**T**) and guess the name of musician. Length of words in solution: 5,6.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Clean Humor About The Irish


It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,"Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, "I don't understand it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck."
Shamrock
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

How Many Men to Open

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you!

#joke #short #beer
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Blonde Sunday

Q: Why did the blonde think it was Sunday?
A: Because the sun was out.
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (3)

How many bass players does it ...

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him what to do
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.70/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (10)

My kids love going to the Web,...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 6.42/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (12)

Corollaries to Murphy's Law...

Corollaries to Murphy's Law
  • Nothing is as easy as it looks.
  • Everything takes longer than you think.
  • Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
  • If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most severe damage will be the one to go wrong.
  • Every solution breeds new problems.
  • It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 March 2009
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (4)

Little David was in his 5th gr...

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer...

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
#joke #policeman #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 July 2008
  • Currently 5.36/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (11)

A group of girlfriends a...

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realise that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 July 2008
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Corollaries to Murphy's Law...

Corollaries to Murphy's Law
  • Nothing is as easy as it looks.
  • Everything takes longer than you think.
  • Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
  • If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most severe damage will be the one to go wrong.
  • Every solution breeds new problems.
  • It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 July 2008
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (6)

Telling Some Stories


Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."





#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 July 2008
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Was it good?

After making love, I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?"

She said "I don't think this was good for anybody!"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 July 2008
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (6)

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