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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Monday, Jul the 6th 2009
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Coming to America |
One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
Driver? Can I drive for a while?
Sure, says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
We got somebody really important here, he says to his partner.
Who is it? Is it a senator?
No. More important.
The president?
No. More important.
An ambassador? Who?
I dont know. But the Pope is his driver. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Mommie Why?......... |
| One day a little boy went up to his mother and asked her, "Mom how old are you"? all she said was oh you dont need to know that right now. So the little boy aked another question.
"Mom how much do you weight"? Again she said you dont need to know that right know that right now. So then the little boy asked "Mommie why did you and dad get a divorce"? And her responce was the same. The next day the little boy came up to his mom again and say oh mommie I found your drivers licence. I know how much you weight now. The mother asked how much and the little boy said 150. Then he said and i know how old you are. your 45. Then he said and i now know why you and daddy got a divorce. She said oh ya. He said because you got an F in sex! |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Robert Schmidt 03 |
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 5.5/10 (6 votes cast) |
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jokes of the day ads
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jokes of the day ads
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| How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him what to do
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 6.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Two cows.... |
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replied, "Ah, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks." |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
"OLD" IS WHEN - Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN - Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN - A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN - Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN - You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN - You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN - "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today
"OLD" IS WHEN - "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN - An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
"OLD" IS WHEN - You are not sure these are jokes. |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 6.3/10 (6 votes cast) |
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jokes of the day ads
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jokes of the day ads
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| A duck walks into a store and asks the guy behind the counter for duck food. "Don't have any duck food. Just dog food and cat food." "Okay, thanks," the duck says, and leaves. The next day the duck comes back. Got any duck food? he asks. "I told you -- only dog food and cat food." "Okay, thanks." The next day the duck shows up again, asking for duck food. Now the man behind the counter is annoyed. I've told you for three days running, we don't carry duck food. "Okay, thanks." The fourth day, here comes the duck. "I'm looking for the duck food section." The counterman blows his stack. You come in here one more time and ask for duck food, and I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor. You got that? Next day the duck shows up again. "What do you want?" the counterman asks threateningly. "Um, got any nails?" the duck says. "No, no nails." "Okay, got any duck food?" |
Permalink | Source : Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
Rating: 7.0/10 (4 votes cast) |
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Father Murphy Walks Into a Bar. . .
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Father Murphy walks into a bar and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Brien and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Brien said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Brien said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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The Mistress |
| A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" |
Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A: Depreciation. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?" |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 6.3/10 (12 votes cast) |
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
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Permalink | Source : Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
Rating: 6.6/10 (5 votes cast) |
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