Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Hospital regulations require a...

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found
one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with
a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave
the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
him to the lift.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown.'

Things Not to Say to a Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Authorized Personnel Only

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”
The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.
The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.
“Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”

Little Johnny is passing his p...

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees...

Johnny hops on daddy and starts going to town... pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping... Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off.

Pop N. Fresh dies

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and... one in the oven.

A Morningside teacher was taki...

A Morningside teacher was taking a lesson about Belgium. Pointing to a town on the map, she said: "Ostend."

Soldier Stands Guard

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

Marry a Teacher

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, Nurses are known to be hot to trot.
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, Telephone operators have sexy voices.
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, Poor guy, teachers are frigid.
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurses husband. He sourly says, Dont ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was Youre not sanitary, youre not sanitary.
Then, the telephone operators husband calls and sourly says, Dont ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.
Later that afternoon, the teachers husband calls and happily says, When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was We are going to do this over and over until we get right.

My kids love going to the Web,...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

When Technology Meets Biology

A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. Just as

the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he

hears a phone ring. The customer puts his hand up to his ear

and says, "Hello? No honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes, love

you, bye."

The bartender says, "What the heck is that?"

The customer replies "It's my hand phone..give me your home

number so you can try it."

With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the

customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand

up to the bartender's ear. The bartender's wife answers and

he (who is very amazed) says, "I...honey... just thought I'd

call you and tell you I love you....ok...bye."

The bartender says, "That's amazing! How do you get one?"

"I'll tell you when I get back from the restroom."

30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the

bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to

make sure the guy is ok. When he enters he finds the guy with

his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the

wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his

butt.

"What the hell are you doing?" asks the incredulous

bartender.

"Give me a second," the man replies as he grunts and groans,

"I'm getting a fax."

A sales rep. who was on busine...

A sales rep. who was on business in New York City bought a lottery ticket. Unbelievably, before he was to return home, he learned that his numbers were drawn and that he had won $50 million dollars. Excitedly, he phoned his wife and said, "Honey, I just won $50 million dollars in the New York Lottery!! Start packing your bags!!"

The wife was equally excited and began to scream and yell. "What kind of clothes should I pack? Summer clothes, or winter clothes?"

"It really doesn't matter." the husband replied. "Just be gone by the time I get home!"

Three women who were friends i...

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera -- we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."

A compliment....

Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"

Two women go out one Sat...

Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to wee.

They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery.

Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them. The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties..."

The other one responded, "You're lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read: "We will never forget you!"

Where is the center of gravity...

Where is the center of gravity? At the letter "V".

Snoop Doggs Teeth...

How does Snoop Dogg keep his teeth white?

BLEEEEEE-YATCH!