JOKES OF THE DAY

the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he

hears a phone ring. The customer puts his hand up to his ear

and says, "Hello? No honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes, love

you, bye."

The bartender says, "What the heck is that?"

The customer replies "It's my hand phone..give me your home

number so you can try it."

With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the

customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand

up to the bartender's ear. The bartender's wife answers and

he (who is very amazed) says, "I...honey... just thought I'd

call you and tell you I love you....ok...bye."

The bartender says, "That's amazing! How do you get one?"

"I'll tell you when I get back from the restroom."

30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the

bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to

make sure the guy is ok. When he enters he finds the guy with

his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the

wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his

butt.

"What the hell are you doing?" asks the incredulous

bartender.

"Give me a second," the man replies as he grunts and groans,

"I'm getting a fax."

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and... one in the oven.

The wife was equally excited and began to scream and yell. "What kind of clothes should I pack? Summer clothes, or winter clothes?"

"It really doesn't matter." the husband replied. "Just be gone by the time I get home!"

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”

The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.

The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.

“Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”