Jokes of the day for Thursday, 23 July 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 23 July 2009 |
Fallen...
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"
Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!"
Q: What is cleverer than a tal...
Q: What is cleverer than a talking cat?A: A spelling bee!
Couple in their nineties are b...
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically
okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them
remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair.'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that,
write
it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of
bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says,
'Where's the toast ?'
Put More Stress Into Your Life!
1. Refuse to take action on nagging problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if possible, lose some sleep over them.Run, Sister, Run!
Two nuns are running away from a bear, who is gaining on them. “Do you think we’ll be able to outrun him, Sister?†one of the nuns asks the other.
“I don’t have to outrun him, Sister,†said the other nun. “I only have to outrun you.â€
A little boy went to the bathr...
A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands.When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said.
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"
"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."
Steven Wright 19
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.
I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
The 3 greatest lies
What are the three greatest lies?1. The check is in the mail.
2. Small is beautiful.
3. I won't come in your mouth.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A Morningside teacher was taki...
A Morningside teacher was taking a lesson about Belgium. Pointing to a town on the map, she said: "Ostend."A Dell customer called to say ...
A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.Penguin Delivery
A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.
The zoo worker yells, I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?
Calm down, the bus driver says, I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now Im taking them to the movies.
Cat Jokes 09
Q: What does a lion brush his mane with?
A: A catacomb!
Q: What noise does a cat make going down the highway?
A: Miaooooooooooooooooooow!
Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
A: Shredded tweet!
Q: Why do tomcats fight?
A: Because they like raising a stink!
Q: Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit?
A: They are both ginger nuts!
Q: What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?
A: A catameringue!
Q: On what should you mount a statue of your cat?
A: A caterpillar!
Q: What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese?
A: A Peking Tom!
A blonde went into a world wid...
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: " I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees". She did. "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead take it out....." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands... then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, she said...
"HELLO MOM... CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
A company, feeling it is...
A company, feeling it is time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks: "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies: "I make $200 a week. Why?"
The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams: "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Surprisingly, the guy takes the cash with a smile, says: "Yes sir! Thank you, sir!" and leaves.
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks: "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Prayer in Schools
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in publicschools."