Doctor, take a look at me......
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: Â“Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?Â”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: Â“Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight....Â”
The Making of a GunfighterA Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. â€˜Do you think you could give me some tips?â€™ he asked.
A friend and I were standing i...A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, we...Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Peace and Pancakes
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Due to weather conditions, there will not be any â€œWomen Worth Watchingâ€ this week.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page
Husband and wife had a bitter ...Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
Look carefully caricature an...
You Might Be A Redneck If 04
You might be a redneck if...
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
Nuns into heavenWhen nuns are admitted to heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
'And so,' says Saint Peter, 'have you ever had any contact with a man's penis?'
'Well,' said the first nun in line, 'I did see one once.'
'OK,' says Saint Peter, 'rinse your eyes in the Holy Water and pass on into heaven.'
The next nun admits that, 'Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.'
'0K,' says Saint Peter, rinse your hand in the Holy Water and pass on into heaven.'
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut to the front of the queue.
'Well now, what's going on here?' says Saint Peter.
'Well, Your Excellency,' says the nun, who is trying to improve her position in line, 'if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her arse in it.'
Caught and TaggedAn old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She spends weeks staring at the cage and, eventually, catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesnt get them mixed up again, she puts a little white collar around the male parrots neck.
Later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the fathers collar and says, I see she caught you at it, too.
What happened to the man who p...What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?
Farmer Brown & his Pigs Farmer Brown & his Pigs
Farmer Brown buys twelve pigs at an auction, only to discover that they are all female. He immediately calls Farmer Jones to ask if he can bring them over to mate with his male pigs. "Sure", says Farmer Jones.
Farmer Brown loads his twelve pigs into the truck. When they get to the Jones farm, the pigs jump out and spend the day mating with the males. Before he leaves, Farmer Brown says, "By the way, I've never had pigs before. How will I know if they're pregnant?"
"Well," says Farmer Jones, "look for signs of unusual behavior. That's usually how you know."
The next morning, Farmer Brown looks out his window and sees nothing unusual. So he loads the pigs up and brings them to the Jones' farm again. The following morning, the pigs are still behaving normally, so, once again, he takes them to the Jones' farm. The next morning, he feels too discouraged to look out the window. "Honey," he says to his wife, "would you mind telling me if our pigs are doing anything unusual?"
Well, she says, "eleven of them are in the back of the truck and the twelfth one's blowing the horn."
Why did the whale cross the oc...Why did the whale cross the ocean? To get to the other side!
An Old FartOne evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
Business One-liners 83
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Maybe I can't make you do it but I sure can make you sorry you didn't!
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.
Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Most projects require three hands.
Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.
Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
The Pirate and the sA pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his fly. As he walks up to the bar the bartender says, "Hey pal, you know you've got a steering wheel coming out of your fly?"
And the pirate says "R it's driving me nuts!"
First-year students at ...
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them: "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."