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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Sunday, Aug the 2nd 2009
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2nd to 3rd |
| Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second?
Because you have a short stop between second and third. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Women Vs Condoms |
| What do women and condoms have in common?
They spend more time in your wallet then they do on your dick!
Submitted by TigersAngel6987
Edited by Curtis |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 1.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Outrageous Lying |
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Is that a dog in the back seat? |
It was the end of the day when I parked my police car in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the car. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.
All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you’ve never been kissed have you?"
The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry
smile on her face and looks down at him.
"Mister," she says, "have you ever been fucked?"
"No," he says with a hopeful grin.
"Well, you are now, The tide’s coming in." |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 5.9/10 (8 votes cast) |
| Truly amazing stuff! An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Dormitory: Dirty Room Evangelist: Evil's Agent Desperation: A Rope Ends It The Morse Code: Here Come Dots Slot Machines: Cash Lost in 'em Animosity: Is No Amity Mother-in-law: Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms: Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness: Genuine Class Semolina: Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries: Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point: I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes: That Queer Shake Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one Contradiction: Accord not in it |
Permalink | Source : Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Getting John to Quit
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John was a loyal choir member, but he could not carry a tune. To make things worse, he sang loud and made others sing off key. Without success, the choir director had tried to discourage John from participating in the choir.
The choir director asked the pastor's help in getting John out of the choir. The pastor agreed to try. The pastor tried to find tasks and responsibilities that would interfere with John's attendance at choir rehearsal or keep him out of the choir loft on Sunday morning.
John, however, would not accept any of the tasks or responsibilities, stating that he would not shirk his duties as a loyal choir member.
Finally, the choir director gave the pastor an ultimatum, "Either you find a way to get John out of the choir or I will resign as choir director."
So, with much uneasiness, the pastor called upon John at home one evening and said, "John, I must ask you to drop out of the choir."
John was shocked and asked, "Why would you ask such a thing? We need all the singers we can get."
The pastor replied, "Well, John, people are complaining about your singing."
"How many?" was John's response.
Not wanting to be too harsh and admit that nearly everyone in the congregation had been complaining, the pastor said, "I've received more than a dozen complaints."
"I'm sorry, pastor, that's not enough. I've heard a lot more complaints about your preaching and you haven't quit yet."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member coltwise |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
a boy just started going out with a girl that he really liked. the girl said he was going to meet her parents. and if all went well, he would get lucky (if u know wat i mean. *winkwink*.... so the boy thought "if im gonna get lucky, i should get some condoms." so he went to a pharmacey to get a pack. when he was at the girls house that night, they bowed there heads in prayer. and even when they where done, the boy kept his head down the girl said:
i didnt know you were so religous..
the boy responded:
i didnt know your dad was a pharmecist... |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 1.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
Q. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone?
A. Jell-o! |
Permalink | Source : Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
Rating: 5.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Dilbert Quotes |
| A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists: |
Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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