Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 04 August 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 04 August 2009
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Rating: 9.4/10 (70)

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Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (2)

Q. Why were the teacher's eyes...

Q. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

A. She couldn't control her pupils!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.86/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (7)

Just before the funeral servic...

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 6.11/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (9)

A guy was driving home one eve...

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll".

The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"

The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" the assistant exclaims, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (3)

Help wanted...

A local business was looking for office help, so they put a sign in their window saying "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but he told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database and presenting them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded. He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities, however I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

A man goes into a chip shop wi...

A man goes into a chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks, do you sell fish cakes?
No comes the reply. Shame, it's his birthday.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (3)

Calculate the number 2593

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 2593 using numbers [2, 2, 8, 3, 85, 960] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

You Are In Trouble


An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (2)

First Visit to Church

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the

first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the

choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.

All was quiet until the little one

started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you,

happy birthday to you . . ."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (5)

Your Teeth

You have so many gaps in your teeth, it looks like your tongue is in jail.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (6)

A large two engine train was c...

A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 May 2009
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (2)

If Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder ...

“If absence makes the heart grow fonder,” said a minister, “a lot of folks must really love our church.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 March 2009
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (4)

Pet names....

There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."

His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?"

Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 August 2008
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (16)

Three guys go in for a job int...

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"

The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."

The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."

"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office.

Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."

The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."

The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"

"What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 August 2008
  • Currently 6.88/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (8)

A Beautiful Thing

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did, Mrs. Riley's tit," Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 August 2008
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Vedil worshipper

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 August 2008
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (6)

Why did Beethoven kill his pet...

Why did Beethoven kill his pet chicken? It kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach ..."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 August 2008
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

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