Honey, What Did the Doctor Say?A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."
Exercise for People over 40Begin by standing on a comfortable surface , where you have plenty of Room at each side. With a 5-LB potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
You don't need an epidural! Ju...You don't need an epidural! Just relax and enjoy the moment.
Three Types of SexThere are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and youre still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen. The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you cant do it anywhere except the bedroom. The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, Screw you. But theres also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Shoot, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Request Before Death
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
Calculate the number 897
Dancing duckA circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
What do you say if som...What do you say if someone tries to steal your gate?
Nothing, he might take a fence.
A boy was crossing a road one ...A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look. I'm a grad student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
The General Managers of Cascad...The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (NewSouth Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water."
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
The bloke from XXXX says, "I'll have a XXXX, the cleanest beer on the planet."
The General Manager from Carlton glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.
He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain
2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
- Winston Churchill
3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
- G Gordon Liddy
5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting, On what to have for dinner.
- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few Short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
- Ronald Reagan (1986)
10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
- Will Rogers
11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
- P.J. O'Rourke
12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
- Voltaire (1764)
13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
- Pericles (430 B.C.)
14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
- Mark Twain (1866)
15) Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it.
17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
- Winston Churchill
18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
- Mark Twain
19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
- Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
- Thomas Jefferson
DischargeA young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge."
The doctor lays her down, lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and asks her, "How does that feel?"
The young lady replies, "Oooh doctor, that feels lovely... but the discharge is from my ear!"
A man i...A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 10 metres above the ground. You're between 52.3 and 52.4 degrees north latitude and between 1.8 and 1.9 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no
idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
"The woman below responded, "You must be in Senior Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
A man is struck by a bus on a ...A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
Mr. Policeman, says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . .
Sidney was not having a good d...Sidney was not having a good day on the golf course.
After he missed a 12-inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
"It's the wife," said Sid. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."
"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"
Funny bumper stickers....'Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.'
'Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death'
'Cover me. I'm changing lanes.'
'As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools'
'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.'
'Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.'
'Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.'
'REHAB is for quitters'
'I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!'
'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep'
'I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....'
'Montana --- At least our cows are sane!'
'I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.'
'I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!'
'According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.'
'Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.'
'A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.'
'How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?'
'I'm not as think as you drunk I am'
'Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !'
'He who laughs last thinks slowest'
'Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.'
'Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.'
'Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.'
'Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone,somewhere may be happy.'
'Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.'
'i souport publik edekasion'
'We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.'
'Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.'
'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...'
'3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.'
'Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?'
'Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?'
'2 + 2 =5 for extremely large values of 2.'
Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.'
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.