Not AfraidA few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
See if you can do this. Read e...See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is moron cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...
Honey, What Did the Doctor Say?A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."
A police officer arrives at an...A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building... he suddenly notices that one is still breathing.
He approaches her and asks: "why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blond answers in a very weak voice: "we wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings"...
Prostitute PotatoQ: Two potatoes are walking down the street. One of them is a prostitute. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
A: Its the one stamped Idaho.
Good answer!Actual answers given by contestants on the game show The Family Feud:
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with 'moon' in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A con man
A part of the body beginning with the letter 'N' - Knee
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A+B*C
Two Angry Neighbors
Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.
You might be a redneck if 75You might be a reneck if...
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken".
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
What do you say if som...What do you say if someone tries to steal your gate?
Nothing, he might take a fence.
A priest and a rabbi operated ...A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.
The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.
How bout this one:
Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.
"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"
The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.
The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.
"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."
What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.
"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"
"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"
So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.
"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"
And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,
On the first day of coll...
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."
He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"Never drive faster than your angels can fly."
ClosetedGreg Giraldo on Jon Lovitz: "There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank."
Answering Machine Message 215
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.