Jokes of the day for Monday, 17 August 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 17 August 2009
  • Currently 9.59/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (94)

Not Afraid

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 2.75/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (4)

See if you can do this. Read e...

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is moron cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...
#joke
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 8.17/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (6)

Honey, What Did the Doctor Say?

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.48/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (29)

A police officer arrives at an...

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building... he suddenly notices that one is still breathing.

He approaches her and asks: "why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

The blond answers in a very weak voice: "we wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings"...
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Prostitute Potato

Q: Two potatoes are walking down the street. One of them is a prostitute. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
A: Its the one stamped Idaho.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (6)

Good answer!

Actual answers given by contestants on the game show The Family Feud:

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with 'moon' in the title - Blue Suede Moon

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A con man

A part of the body beginning with the letter 'N' - Knee

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Find number abc

If 5a12c - 10bcb = c6a81 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Two Angry Neighbors


Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (8)

You might be a redneck if 75

You might be a reneck if...

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken".

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (2)

What do you say if som...

What do you say if someone tries to steal your gate?

Nothing, he might take a fence.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

A priest and a rabbi operated ...

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.

The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 May 2009
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (5)

------------------------------...

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How bout this one:
Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.
"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"
The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.
The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.
"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."
What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.
"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"
"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"
So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.
"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"
And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 February 2009
  • Currently 4.36/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (11)

...

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 August 2008
  • Currently 6.29/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (7)

On the first day of coll...

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."

He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 August 2008
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (7)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:


"Never drive faster than your angels can fly."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 August 2008
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (6)

Closeted

Greg Giraldo on Jon Lovitz: "There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 August 2008
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

Answering Machine Message 215


I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.





#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 August 2008
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (3)

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