JOKES OF THE DAY

Free drinks.

Free dinners.

Free movies.

Speeding ticket? What's that?

New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.

If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.

You can sleep your way to the top.

You can sue the President for sexual harassment.

It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.

Brad Pitt.

No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.

If you forget to shave, no one has to know.

If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

You have the ability to dress yourself.

If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.

You can quickly end any fight by crying.

Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.

There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.

You've never had a goatee.

You'll never regret piercing your ears.

You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've" been doing."

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face.

He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

Was it the nuns that did it? the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No."

Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring? "No."

The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?

"No," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!

A priest and an astronomer find themselves sitting together on a night flight.

After introductions and a long gaze out the window, the astronomer asks the priest, "Can't all religions be summed up by stating the Golden Rule?"

The priest pauses a bit and asks the astronomer, "Can't all astronomy be summed up by singing ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’?”


- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Pthalo