Jokes of the day for Monday, 24 August 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 24 August 2009
  • Currently 9.50/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (78)

A dog went to a telegram offic...

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"
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Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (2)

Balance

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

What Do You Call a Dead Atheist?

Q: What do you call a dead atheist?
A: Someone all dressed up with nowhere to go!
- Shared by Beliefnet member Sharohio

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

"Plans are being made to ...

"Plans are being made to replace Dick Cheney if and when it ever becomes necessary. They have to plan for this kind of stuff, you know, Cheney had what, a stent, put in his artery to keep it open, had a defibrillator with batteries implanted in his chest. I think they've already started replacing him, piece by piece." -- Jay Leno
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Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Grandpa, can you...?

A little girl said, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she sat on her grandfather's lap she said, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl said, "Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grandfather said, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl said, "Because Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

What Should They Get?


Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (2)

Which is a winning combination of digits?

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Program

PROGRAM (pro'-gram)

[n] A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.

[v] To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (3)

THREE tortoises, Jim, Ray and ...

THREE tortoises, Jim, Ray and Geoff, go for a picnic ten miles from home. It takes ten days to get there, and they find they've forgotten the bottle opener. Jim and Ray ask Geoff to fetch it. "No way!" says Geoff. "When I go you'll eat my sandwiches."
They promise not to, so off Geoff goes.
Ten days pass, and he's not back. 20 days pass, and he's stll not back . . . Jim and Ray are starving, but still don't eat the sandwiches . . .
25 days pass and Ray says: "We'll starve if we dont eat!" So they start to eat the sandwiches.
Geoff jumps out from behind a rock and shouts: "I knew it, you liars! I'm not going now!"
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Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (7)

Paybacks are a ... ...

Paybacks are a ...

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, making out.

As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 May 2009
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (2)

A guy walks into a bar and dem...

A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
#joke #short #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 February 2009
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (10)

Take Off My Clothes

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 August 2008
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (9)

Did you hear about the terrori...

Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a courtroom full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met.
#joke #short #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 August 2008
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (8)

A MAN was out walking in the c...

A MAN was out walking in the country when he saw a little girl struggling to drive a cow along the road.
He asked her what she was doing and she said: "I've got to take this cow to the bull."

"Couldn't your father do that?" asked the man.

The little girl replied: "Oh no, it has to be the bull."

Craig Black
Stenhouse.

An elderly man was reminiscing to his young granddaughter about his wartime experiences.

He said: "I fought in Africa, in Italy and in Germany. I fought with Montgomery, with Wavell and with Alexander."

His granddaughter looked up at him and said: "Couldn't you get on with anybody, Grandpa?"

Alex Paterson
Lochend Road
Edinburgh

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit that gum out", but a train says "Chew chew".

John Allen
Portobello

What do you call a fairy who never takes a bath?

Stinkerbell

Karen Crawford
Leith Walk

If you have a joke you would like to share with us, send it by e-mail to: letters_en@ edinburghnews.com



The full article contains 184 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

  • #joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 August 2008
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (7)

The children were lined up in ...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 August 2008
  • Currently 6.83/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (6)

...

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 August 2008
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (6)

Rejecting Pick-up Lines...

Rejecting Pick-up Lines

Guy: "Haven't we met before?"
Gal: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Guy: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Gal: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Guy: "Want to Dance?"
Gal: "No, thank you."
Guy: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

Guy: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Gal: "It's in the phone book."
Guy: "But I don't know your name."
Gal: That's in the phone book too.

Guy: "So what do you do for a living?"
Gal: "Female impersonator."

Guy: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Gal: "Unfertilized, go away!"

A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

Two young dudes are striding down the street and one glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistaken!"

Gal:"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 August 2008
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (5)

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