A dog went to a telegram offic...A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"
BalanceGod was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
"Plans are being made to ..."Plans are being made to replace Dick Cheney if and when it ever becomes necessary. They have to plan for this kind of stuff, you know, Cheney had what, a stent, put in his artery to keep it open, had a defibrillator with batteries implanted in his chest. I think they've already started replacing him, piece by piece." -- Jay Leno
Grandpa, can you...?
A little girl said, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she sat on her grandfather's lap she said, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl said, "Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grandfather said, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl said, "Because Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
What Should They Get?
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"
Which is a winning combination of digits?
[n] A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.
[v] To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
THREE tortoises, Jim, Ray and ...THREE tortoises, Jim, Ray and Geoff, go for a picnic ten miles from home. It takes ten days to get there, and they find they've forgotten the bottle opener. Jim and Ray ask Geoff to fetch it. "No way!" says Geoff. "When I go you'll eat my sandwiches."
They promise not to, so off Geoff goes.
Ten days pass, and he's not back. 20 days pass, and he's stll not back . . . Jim and Ray are starving, but still don't eat the sandwiches . . .
25 days pass and Ray says: "We'll starve if we dont eat!" So they start to eat the sandwiches.
Geoff jumps out from behind a rock and shouts: "I knew it, you liars! I'm not going now!"
Paybacks are a ... ...
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, making out.
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.
The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.
After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
A guy walks into a bar and dem...A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
Take Off My ClothesMy wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
A MAN was out walking in the c...A MAN was out walking in the country when he saw a little girl struggling to drive a cow along the road.
"Couldn't your father do that?" asked the man.
The little girl replied: "Oh no, it has to be the bull."
An elderly man was reminiscing to his young granddaughter about his wartime experiences.
He said: "I fought in Africa, in Italy and in Germany. I fought with Montgomery, with Wavell and with Alexander."
His granddaughter looked up at him and said: "Couldn't you get on with anybody, Grandpa?"
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher says "Spit that gum out", but a train says "Chew chew".
What do you call a fairy who never takes a bath?
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