JOKES OF THE DAY

One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth.

In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
   
   
   
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
   
   
   
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
   
   
   
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
   
   
   
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
   
   
   
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
   
   
   
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
   
   
   
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
   
   
   
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
   
   
   
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
    
    
    

Non-smoking area:
If We See You Smoking, We Will Assume You Are On Fire And Take Appropriate Action

On Maternity Room Door:
Push,Push,Push

Optometrist's Office:
If You Don't See What You're Looking For, You've Come To The Right Place

Scientist's Door:
Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window:
We Really Know Our Stuff

Podiatrist's Window:
Time Wounds All Heels

Butcher's Window:
Let Me Meat Your Needs

Car Dealership:
The Best Way To Get Back On Your Feet - Miss a Car Payment

Muffler Shop:
No Appointment Necessary. We'll Hear You Coming

Hotel:
Help! We Need Inn - Experienced People

Veterinarian's Waiting Room:
Be Back In 5 Minutes. Sit! Stay!

Music Teacher's Door:
Out Chopin

At the Electric Company:
We Would Be Delighted If You Send In Your Bill. However, If You Don't, You Will Be.

Garbage Truck:
We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got

Computer Store:
Out For a Quick Byte

Restaurant Window:
Don't Stand There and Be Hungry, Come In And Get Fed Up

Bowling Alley:
Please Be Quiet. We Need To Hear A Pin Drop.

Music Library:
Bach In A Minuet

The label on the package said that the software required "Windows 3.1 or better."

So, he bought a Macintosh.

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother, but I prayed for a puppy.
Joyce

Dear God,
My father told me about being born, but that doesn't sound right. He was kidding, right?
Marsha

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
Did you really mean, "Do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
Darla

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely,
Donna

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of the people in the whole world. There are only four people in our whole family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God,
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Love,
Denise

Dear God,
In Bible times did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

Dear God,
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.
Jane

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and my father was mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you won't hurt him anyway.
Your friend (I'm not going to tell You my name.)


- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page