Only A Man Would Try ThisPocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"God is dead."
"Neitzche is dead."
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Knock Knock Collection 066
Fletcher self go!
Fiona had something better to do do you think we'd be knocking on this door!
Fiona lookout for Mum & Dad
Florida bathroom is wet!
Angering the IrishmanThree Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
Golf Ball HuntOff the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, Jack, Ive got trouble down here! Whats the matter? Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. Bring me my wedge, Joe shouted. You cant get out of here with an eight iron!
Calculate the number 678
A football team was short of a...A football team was short of a goalkeeper, so the captain asked a cow grazing in the next field to join the team. The cow agreed. Later, the local cricket team needed a wicket keeper, so the same cow was asked to do the job. The cow replied: "Who ever heard of a cow playing cricket?"
Â“IÂ’d like to order a bar piz...Â“IÂ’d like to order a bar pizza,Â” the idiot says.
Â“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,Â” the barmaid asks.
Â“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.
There once was a woman from Ee...There once was a woman from Eeling,
Who had a peculiar feeling.
She layed on her back,
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling!
After a series of tests, the 3...After a series of tests, the 3 top candidates were chosen for a final interview with the CIA Director for a job opening. The first one's interview went really well... so the Director says: "I think you are the right man for the job, there is just one last thing you must do to prove your loyalty, here is a gun, go to the next room and shoot your wife."
The man stands up and says, "Sorry Sir, I can't do that" and walks out. The same thing happens with the second applicant. The third guy's interview went well, so he is asked to prove his loyalty to the future job in the same way.
The Guy takes the gun, goes next door. The CIA Director hears : "Bang...".. pause ...... "Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang." ..... long pause..... then a scuffle and noises...... silence. The third applicant returns to the Director's office and says" Some Idiot loaded this gun with blanks... so I had to strangle her!"
A small boy is sent to bed by ...A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...
When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
The other night I was invited ...The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight ... "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said we need a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
Cloak & DaggerA soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.
So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General''s voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.
The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.
"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.
"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."
Belly Buttons Explained
Q: How do babies get their belly buttons?
A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row. Then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with His finger and says, â€œYouâ€™re doneâ€¦youâ€™re doneâ€¦youâ€™re doneâ€¦â€
NEVER TRY & OUTSMART A W...
NEVER TRY & OUTSMART A WOMAN.
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, " I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I as going to put that money in that casket with him.""You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Please Back Up!
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker--
"Would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee please back up to the Men's Tee!"
Mike, still deep in his routine, seemed impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement--
"Would the man on the Ladies Tee kindly back up to the Men's tee, PLEASE!"
Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"