Golden Wedding AnniversaryAn aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Woman: "Do you like my new win...Woman: "Do you like my new windscreen wiper Ã¢Â€Â“ I got it for my husband."
Answering Machine Message 52
"I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "And I'm Fred." "We're not home; leave a message."
Clinton to DieDuring a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"
I am a 7 letter word; a lot ...
Corduroy CondomQ. What do you get with a corduroy condom? A. A groovy kind of love.
A day without sunshine is like...A day without sunshine is like, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
FBI agents conducted a raid of...FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records,
the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor
with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place:
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors.
We have them locked.
You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right.
Everyone here is an FBI agent.
Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear?
We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
A woman called a local hospita...A woman called a local hospital . . . .
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . ."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me sh*t!
Zen SausageSaid the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."
Knock Knock Collection 124
Marilyn is a state north of Virginia!
Marion on a Sunday!
Marion haste, repent at leisure!
Marmalade me said the little chicken!
Martha them up to the top of the hill and the marched them down again!
Might Kill Him
Might Kill Him
A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, madam? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! when he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years... I thought he meant his money!"
Supporting a family...
Sam had proposed to young Lisa and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Sam, "I am."
"Well," said Lisa's father, "think carefully now. There are six of us."