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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 06 October 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 06 October 2009

A man being interviewed for a ...

A man being interviewed for a job was asked his name.
My name is Morris M. Morris he replied.
What does the M stand for?
Nothing he replied they just stuck it in to break the monotony.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (3)

The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

SLIDESHOW #39 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Actual Employee Evaluations...

The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:

* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

* I would not allow this man to breed.

* This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.

* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

* When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

* This man has delusions of adequacy.

* He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.

* This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.

* This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.

* Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.

* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

* Bright as Alaska in December.

* Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.

* Fell out of his family tree.

* The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnÂ’t coming.

* This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

* If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.

* Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.

* If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.

* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

* It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.

* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

#joke #december
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Snow today

Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

So, Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

The next week they are having breakfast again and the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 -12 inches of snow today, you must park..." and then the electricity goes out in the middle of the sentence.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do..."

Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

#joke #blonde
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Superman and Batman

Superman once wrote on the wall: Batman is a wimp. The next day Batman wrote: Superman is Clark Kent.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

A woman walked up to a little ...

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
#joke
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Two Aussie cattle drovers stan...

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"
Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 April 2009
  • Currently 3.73/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (11)

I think Cheney is starting to lose...

"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'" -- Jay Leno
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 20 January 2009
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (26)

Three desperately ill men met ...

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 October 2008
  • Currently 6.30/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (10)

Gators gone?

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 October 2008
  • Currently 6.57/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (7)

A blonde joke

An...

A blonde joke

An Irishman, an Aussie and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Aussie opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Steak again! If I get steak one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, strasburg again! If I get a strasburg sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Aussie opened his lunch, saw steak and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the strasburg and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Aussie's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him ham & cheese! I didn't realise he hated steak so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunch.

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 October 2008
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

How many men does it take to c...

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows -- has it ever happened?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 October 2008
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (6)

Making God Laugh


You know how to you make God laugh?

Tell him your plans.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 October 2008
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (6)

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."

#joke #monday
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Watching the game

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'

He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'

#joke
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (56)

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