Jokes of the day for Friday, 16 October 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 16 October 2009 |
Cow and Her Apples
A squirrel is chillin in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.Whatcha doin here? asks the squirrel.
Im here to eat some apples.
But this is a pine tree!
I know. I brought my own apples.
There was a sign at a strip cl...
There was a sign at a strip club indicating the cost for a lapdance, but it was per loined.To celebrate 50 years of marri...
To celebrate 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend at St. Andrews. On the third tee, the husband you, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me."His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, "Darling, since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before we met."
The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted,"You liar, you despicable cheat! How could you? I trusted you, and you have been playing off from the ladies' tee all these years!"
Q: Why was the computer so col...
Q: Why was the computer so cold?A: Because it forgot to shut its window
Praying for Coffee Cake
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffee cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffee cake,†he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, ‘Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee cakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough,†he continued, “the eighth time around the block, there it was!â€
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Three men, an American, a Russ...
Three men, an American, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge.The Puerto Rican asks, "Why did you do that? That was perfectly good bottle of vodka!"
The Russian replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."
The Puerto Rican doesn't want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge.
The American exclaims, "Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!"
The Puerto Rican replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."
Now, the American doesn't want to be upstaged, so he searches through his pockets but he can't find anything. He looks around for a moment, then grabs the Puerto Rican and throws him over the bridge.
The Russian exclaims, "What the hell did you do that for?"
The American replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."
I can not tell a lie...
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
Partner Takes Vacation
Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation
9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
Marooned
An ambitious investment banker finally decided to take avacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for
awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down
and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the
shore of an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels,
this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months
he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life,
and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement
out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was
the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to
him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How
did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I
landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived.
How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a
rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up,
nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of
raw material that I found on the island. The oars were
whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm
branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus
tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had
no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south
side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial
rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile
iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the
hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you
live?"
Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the
beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a
small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out
of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman
tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man
could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the
house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home.
Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any
more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a
still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted,
and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had
exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take
a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet
in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the
bathroom.
There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to
its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is
amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines
(strategically positioned) and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she
began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been
out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for all these months? You
know... "
She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was
hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "--I can check my voice
mail from here?"
What happened when the...
What happened when the hyena swallowed an Oxo cube? He became a laughing stock!Hilary Rae
How do young wizards and witches correct their homework?
They use a spell-checker.
Three old men were sitting aro...
Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.
Alex was pulled over for speed...
Alex was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers licenseand registration?" Alex said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So Alex replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."
The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his drivers licenseand registration.
Alex said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"
Alex laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. Alex agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."
Alex looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."
Photographer
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"