Jokes of the day for Saturday, 17 October 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 17 October 2009 |
Old Couple
A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"He moved over and sat close to her.
"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"
He reached over and held her tight.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."
Do people in castles suffer fr...
Do people in castles suffer from Turrets Syndrome?A solider stationed in the Sou...
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson and music books.Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and through the front door.
"Oh darling," he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your loving so much!"
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
An elementary school teac...
An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment:
Duh ... shouldn't that be: "poll" the class, unless she was making a point ... WITH A POINTED STICK!
A man got onto a bus with both...
A man got onto a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blond.The blond kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
A talk on sex...
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."
Dating
A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank. The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one does he end up marrying? The one with the biggest boobs.Bobbit Hillbillies
To the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies:Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John,
a poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with his wife;
she loped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.
Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsue by his side
And Lorena is in the car taking willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
And she tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.
Curve that is.
Tossed the nub
in the scrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
and they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked And they pointed 'over there'.
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
Found that is.
By the fence.
Evidence.
So the dick doc said, `Hey, I can fix your dong.
A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need.'
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed.
Whizzed that is.
Even seam.
Straight steam.
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his dick to court.
With a half-arsed lawyer, 'cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape.
Video that is.
Unexposed.
Case closed.
Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?!
Cow and Her Apples
A squirrel is chillin in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.Whatcha doin here? asks the squirrel.
Im here to eat some apples.
But this is a pine tree!
I know. I brought my own apples.
What happened when the...
What happened when the hyena swallowed an Oxo cube? He became a laughing stock!Hilary Rae
How do young wizards and witches correct their homework?
They use a spell-checker.
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, t...
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of money for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 year old was asked where his grandmother lived. ''Oh,'' he said, ''She lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're we've done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.''
Little Johnny comes home from ...
Little Johnny comes home from his first day of school. His mother asks, "What did you learn in school today?"Little Johnny replies, "Not much. They want me back tomorrow.
Mexican Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Not speaking...
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"