Jokes of the day for Sunday, 18 October 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 18 October 2009
  • Currently 9.50/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (48)

Two penguins...

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time! Today I am taking them to the beach."

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (2)

They say first year university...

They say first year university is difficult, but students actually sophomore in their second year.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

The young couple is on their h...

The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Nowhere, Sweetie," he says. "Please turn over."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (3)


Three old ladies sit in a...


Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (5)

The Lord Is on the Phone

A Catholic priest, a Lutheran minister and an Evangelical preacher are arguing about religion one day when the phone rings.
The priest gets up to answer it. After listening for few moments, he says, “Yes, I will pass on the news,” and hangs up.
Turning to the others, he says, “I have good news and bad news.”
"Really? Do tell,” the minister says.
"My friends,” the priest announces, "that was the Lord Jesus on the phone, and he was calling to say he’s back."
"Glory be!” shouts the preacher. “What could possibly be bad news now?”
"Well,” the priest says, “He was calling from Salt Lake City.”
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member mytmouse57

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.25/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (4)

The Bad And The Worse News


A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (3)

Calculate the number 1783

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 1783 using numbers [7, 6, 8, 3, 26, 270] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Bad temper problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (4)

The products which we offer are handcrafted items made of natural materials such as finest quality wool from the Sharr Mountains, silk, cotton and lace. It is all blended with natural soap....and...creativity. Here are some beautiful and unique fashion accessories.

Guys and Dolls

Two drunk guys try to pick up some girls. The girls take the drunk guys home, slip blowup dolls into their beds and leave.
The next morning, the one guy tells the other guy, I think my girl was a witch! When I bit her on the tit, she hissed and flew away.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

Old Couple

A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.
"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"
He reached over and held her tight.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

What happened when the...

What happened when the hyena swallowed an Oxo cube? He became a laughing stock!
Hilary Rae
How do young wizards and witches correct their homework?
They use a spell-checker.
#joke
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Five guys were in a bar. Feeli...

Five guys were in a bar. Feeling slightly sloshed, they started to argue with each other about the size of their penises.

Eventually the discussion escalated into a full-blown argument, with each man thinking his penis was the biggest. The bartender suggested, "Put them on the bar so we can compare."

The drunks did just that. Shortly, a gay man came in the bar, looked around, and said to the bartender, "I think I'll have the buffet."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 06 September 2009
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

ATTORNEY: Were you present wh...

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 April 2009
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (14)

Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing ...

Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.
When did this first happen?

Next Tuesday.

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 October 2008
  • Currently 6.86/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (7)

Mexican Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 October 2008
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

Advice From Lawyers


George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."

George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.

When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."

George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".

The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."





#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 October 2008
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (4)

Hallowen

What do people do for fun by themselves on Halloween?

They monsterbate.

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke #short #halloween
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 October 2008
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (3)

This woman comes home to visit...

This woman comes home to visit her mother. The mother can see that there's something on the girl's mind.

"what is it dear? asks the old lady.

"A billionaire has asked me to marry him" replies the girl.

"But that's wonderful news, any girl would be over the moon!" exclaims the mother.

"Yes but the only problem is, that this guy will only have sex anally - I don't know what to do?"

"I see" says the mother, "that's different, you must make up your own mind."

Eventually, the girl does decide to marry the billionaire and a year later she's standing again in her mother's kitchen. Although the kitchen is in a much bigger house and both women are draped in the finest clothes and jewels.

"what is it dear?" asks the old lady.

"I've decided to divorce my husband" says the girl.

"Whatever for?" asks the old lady in astonishment.

"It's the sex. Put it this way, when I married him my asshole was the size of a penny, now it's the size of a silver dollar!"

"I can't beleive what I'm hearing!" exclaims the mother "Your husband has bought you six houses, two boats and all the clothes you'd ever want - and now you want to quibble over 99 cents!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 October 2008
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

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