Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 October 2009

Child Support

A blond man frantically calls 911 and says, "Help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart".
The 911 operator asks, "is this her first child?"
To which the blond replies, "Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband".

Whenever I visit the lavatory ...

Whenever I visit the lavatory I get nostalgic. The feeling can be best described as an overwhelming sense of urining.

A woman was watching her husba...

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

"Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."

“I’d like to order a bar p...

“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

Clocks in Heaven

A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying."
As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter replies, "They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie."
By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians’ clocks. Where are they kept?"
St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus

A woman was very distraught at...

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

Two penguins...

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time! Today I am taking them to the beach."

Yo Momma So Stupid

yo momma so stupid that she is always standing on the corner handing out potato chips yelling free lays.
yo momma is so stupid that when the teacher told her to do an essay, she went and screwed a mexican.
yo momma so stupid that when they told her to do a colage, she said collage?, i didnt even graduate from highschool how am i supposed to do that.
yo momma so stupid that she sits on the tv nd watches the couch.

Iron Phone

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened. The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron. What about the other one? They called back.

What happened when the...

What happened when the hyena swallowed an Oxo cube? He became a laughing stock!
Hilary Rae
How do young wizards and witches correct their homework?
They use a spell-checker.

Rodeo Sex

The following procedure describes the proper execution of the activity known as Rodeo Sex:

First you undress your wife (or favorite female friend) and put her down on all fours.

You then also undress and mount up from behind.

Next, with your left hand, you hold on to her left boob.

Your right hand is held waiving in the air.

At this time you lean forward and whisper in her ear "you know, your sister likes to do it this way too.." then you hold on as long as you can.

ATTORNEY: So the date of con...

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

Monday is easier with funny jokes

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar...
Followed by Batman!

A man came to my door asking if I wanted to buy two armchairs and a sofa.
I told him I never accept suites from strangers!

I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo your pants…
But he's still making fun of me!

Scientists have invented a car that runs on parsley…
They hope to use this technology to make trains run on thyme!

My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology
His career is now in ruins.

What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 500 years

What’s the difference between good archeology jokes and bad archeology jokes?
It depends on how deep it goes.

I misunderstood pride month…
Would anyone like to buy 15 lions?

Offer, Retracted.

A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number.

Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:

"Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me."

The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:

"Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.

But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can fuck right off."

Two small boys met during thei...

Two small boys met during their first day at school. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My daddy is an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the normal kind," replied Tommy.