Jokes of the day for Friday, 23 October 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 23 October 2009
  • Currently 9.56/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (59)

Drunks

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend. "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (5)

A drunk walks into a crowded b...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"

The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."

#joke
Joke | Source: Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (51)

What's worse than Touret...

What's worse than Tourette's? Blurtigo.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

An applicant was being intervi...

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.

"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?"

"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

The photographer for a nationa...

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.07/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (14)

Special Golf Ball

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Calculate the number 914

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 914 using numbers [1, 5, 9, 5, 82, 544] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A noted professor was asked to...

A noted professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex". When he was introduced he stood up and said, "Ladies and gentlemen it gives me great pleasure..."

...and then sat down promptly.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Jeff Dunham: Sex Life of the Elderly

Jeff: I had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.
Walter: Their 80s? The hell kind of sex is that? Was it good for you? I dont remember. It was three minutes ago!, Who are you?!?.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.03/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (30)

Lemons Anyone?

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (3)

What is pink and fluffy?

... What is pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What is purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (2)

Lightbulb Joke Collection 93


Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.
Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so...
Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but they're really three.
Q: How many manic-depressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and old bulbs.
Q: How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so too.
Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "I can't change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger King burger."
Q: How many futurologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. He just takes the old functioning one out when nobody's looking, just to be certain.
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a futurologist?
A: About 6,000,000. You pack them together under high pressure and drop the result from 100 meters on his head. Even if he can predict it to happen he cannot change it, right?

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (3)

Reasons for Devotion

A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man, all very pious, met

at an interfaith congress and got to talking about the

experiences that had lead to their religious devotion.

The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran into a

terrible storm over a remote wilderness area. "There was

lightening and thunder all around us. The pilot told us to

brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and prayed to God

to save us. Then for a thousand feet all around us the wind

calmed and the rain stopped. We made it to the airport. And

since then my faith has never wavered."

The Moslem then told of a terrifying incident on his

pilgrimage to Mecca. "A tremendous sandstorm came up out of

nowhere, and within minutes my camel and I were almost

buried. Sure I was going to die, I prostrated myself toward

Mecca and prayed to Allah to deliver me. And suddenly, for a

thousand feet all around me, the swirling dust settled and I

was able to make my way safely across the desert. Since then

I have been the

most devout of believers."

Nodding respectfully, the Jewish man then told his story.

"One Sabbath I was walking back from the temple when I saw a

huge sack of money just lying there at the edge of the road.

It had clearly been abandoned, and I felt it was mine to take

home. But obviously this would have been a violation of the

Sabbath. So I dropped to my knees and prayed to Yahweh. And

suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, it was Tuesday!"

#joke
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 6.57/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (7)

The Wedding

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 August 2009
  • Currently 5.26/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (65)

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance...

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 April 2009
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (10)

Tough Love

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 October 2008
  • Currently 4.57/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (7)

CANADIAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSIO...

CANADIAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART
All temperatures in Fahrenheit

70 - Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear. People in Canada go swimming in the Lakes.

60 - North Carolinians try to turn on the heat. People in Canada plant gardens.

50 - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Canada sunbathe.

40 - Italian and English cars won't start. People in Canada drive with the windows down.

32 - Distilled water freezes. Lake Superior's water gets thicker.

20 - Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats. People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt.

15 - Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0 DEGREES - People in Miami all stop moving. Canadians lick the flagpole.

20 BELOW - Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Canada get out their winter coats.

40 BELOW - Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Guides of Canada are selling cookies door to door.

60 BELOW - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

80 BELOW - Mt. St. Helen's freezes. People in Canada rent some videos.

100 BELOW - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

297 BELOW - Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands.

460 BELOW - ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kalvin scale). People in Canada start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 BELOW - @!#$ freezes over.
The Americans win a gold medal in hockey
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 October 2008
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Hot and cold...

A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"

"Yea! What is that?"

"Why that's a thermos!"

"What's it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

"I'll take it"

The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's that!"

"It's a thermos"

"What's it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

"So whatcha got in it?"

"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 October 2008
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

Be Quiet in Church

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they

were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary

to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are

sleeping!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 October 2008
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (6)

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a ...

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a dustbin.
Don't talk rubbish.
Donald Goode, Dalkeith

If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@edinburghnews.com


The full article contains 35 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 October 2008
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (4)

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