JOKES OF THE DAY

'Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair.'

Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed.

'I warned you to watch out. Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost.'

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said,

'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch said,

'Are you the people that broke the window?'

'Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'0H!, no apology is necessary.

Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

'Now that you've released me I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem, it's the least I can do. And you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie said looking at the wife.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said.

'And what's your wish, genie?' they asked in unison.

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said,

'Gee, honey, you know we now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said,

'Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind.'

The genie took the woman upstairs and ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both had been satisfied repeatedly, and as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked,

'How old is your husband?'

'He's 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No shit! Thirty-five years old and that idiot still believes in genies?'

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

A minister stood in front of his congregation and announced, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is that it’s still in your pockets.”

A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over.' 'What do you mean?' said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,'Ow, that hurts.' Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.' Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts.' The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?' 'Why yes,' she said. 'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'