Jokes of the day for Monday, 26 October 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 26 October 2009
  • Currently 9.52/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (65)

Fishy Story

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterward they're just lying there, enjoying the nearness of each other. The phone rings, and because it's the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.
She is speaking in a cheery voice. " Hello? Oh, hi! SO glad you called. Really. That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Thanks! Okay. Buh-bye."
She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, " that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

Once upon a time there was a n...

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

#joke
Joke | Source: Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
  • Currently 5.65/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (48)

Do baristas listen to ...

Do baristas listen to frappe music?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A golfer is thrashing through ...

A golfer is thrashing through the bushes, looking for a lost ball. An old lady watches him as she sits on a bench knitting.

After half an hour the golfer is just about to give up, when the old lady says, "Excuse me. But is it against the rules if I tell you where it is?"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (4)

A Taliban was sitting in a cav...

A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.29/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (14)

Poison

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Which is a winning combination of digits?

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

What Do You Call a Sleepwalking Nun?

Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming Catholic.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.40/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (5)

A man is out driving happily a...

A man is out driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" the man answered.

"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

Whats Orange And Sounds Like A Parrot?

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (3)

Who was it?

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"

"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (2)

I Have A Big Problem


Bill and Boris are taking a break from a long summit. Boris says to Bill, "Bill, you know, I have a big problem. I don't know what to do about it. I have a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don't know which one."
"Not a big deal Boris, I'm stuck with a hundred economists I have to listen to all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it's never the same one."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (2)

Wrinkled

What's wrinkled and hangs out your underwear?

Your mother.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.14/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (7)

One day a little girl was sitt...

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 April 2009
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Famous Mothers Quotes

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still could have written!”

MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!”

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 October 2008
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

Slept on the floor

Michael Jackson claims that his partners would sleep in the bed, while he slept on the floor.

You know, it's the same arrangement the Clintons had.

--Jay Leno

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 October 2008
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (5)

One day at a busy airport, the...

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passenger's right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog.

Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 October 2008
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (4)

THE COLORECTAL SURGEON'S...

THE COLORECTAL SURGEON'S SING-A-LONG

We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine

Respect the colorectal surgeon
It's a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let's all do the finger wave

When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks

Some may think the cardiologist
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows...
He'll get you in the end!

Why the colorectal surgeon?
It's one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession
There are always openings?

When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, "Hey it's nice to meet you
But do you mind? We don't shake hands."

He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh but he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages

A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play
But this is not quite what he meant...
By eighteen holes a day!

Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine!

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 October 2008
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

Cannibal school principal: So,...

Cannibal school principal: So, children, what did you make of the new English teacher? Students: Burgers, sir.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 October 2008
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (3)

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