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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Sunday, Nov the 8th 2009
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Pregnant Tree |
How does a tree get pregnant?
By a woodpecker! |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 1.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Climbing olive |
| I don't know what my bartender is putting in his martinis but it's the only bar where I've seen an olive try to climb out of the glass. |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 6.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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This Pill Allows You To Fly |
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 4.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Smart kid... |
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!" |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 5.5/10 (4 votes cast) |
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Just a Poor Preacher
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"I'm just a poor preacher."
"I know. I've heard your sermons." |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 1.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says,"I've heard that flights will go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy,
" What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde.
"That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde,
"How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit? |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 5.7/10 (9 votes cast) |
A guy comes in to a bar and orders a double whiskey. He drinks it and looks in his pocket. Then he orders another one, drinks it and looks in his pocket again.
This is repeated a dozen times before the bartender asks him what he is doing.
He replies, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife. When she gets good looking, I quit drinking..." |
Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 2.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 5.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
| Carpenters enjoy showering. They work up a good lather. |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 1.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Represent Numeric Without Using Number |
A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
So Murphy say's, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What the hell's that?"
Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine." "Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99."
Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Murphy says, "Each trees dirty now! So it's dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, dat's 99"
The boss is getting worried he's' going to have to hire Murphy, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100."
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100." The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this time." "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!"
Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?" |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 6.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons. |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 5.6/10 (18 votes cast) |
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