Jokes of the day for Sunday, 08 November 2009
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 08 November 2009|
Understanding Women(A Man's Perspective)
I know I'm not going to understand women..
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
Final Year ProjectFor his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name ?" ; asked the student
"Sir I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your
favorite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in bath," Came the reply.
He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he
came to the next door, when he asked again.
"Sir, what is your name ?"
"Jeff !" ,
"Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in bath," was the answer.
Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and and all of them had the same pastime "watching bubbles in bath".
He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses to continue the survey. At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the door.
Our surveyor starts agins - "What is your name?" "Bubbles !"
What does the starship enterpr...What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.
Carpenters enjoy showering. Th...Carpenters enjoy showering. They work up a good lather.
A guy comes in to a bar and or...A guy comes in to a bar and orders a double whiskey. He drinks it and looks in his pocket. Then he orders another one, drinks it and looks in his pocket again.
This is repeated a dozen times before the bartender asks him what he is doing.
He replies, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife. When she gets good looking, I quit drinking..."
Just a Poor Preacher
"I'm just a poor preacher."
"I know. I've heard your sermons."
Replace asterisk symbols with ...
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
This Pill Allows You To Fly
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."
Climbing oliveI don't know what my bartender is putting in his martinis but it's the only bar where I've seen an olive try to climb out of the glass.
Pregnant TreeHow does a tree get pregnant?
By a woodpecker!
The angry wife met her husband...The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
A guy gets on a plane and find...A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde.
"That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
A woman awakes during the nigh...A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
Navajo female wisdom
A ... Navajo female wisdom
A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern
Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking.
Because the trip had been long and quiet, she decides
to stop the car and give the Navajo woman a lift.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances
surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat
â€œIf you're wondering what's in the bag,” offered the
saleswoman, “it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several
times and says, ” Good trade.”
A lady walks into her doctors office ...A lady walks into her doctors office screaming.
She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"
The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"
The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"
OJs ClockA guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks that this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
A nurse and a doctor met at a ...A nurse and a doctor met at a medical convention one day. Right away they hit it off quite well. As the day went on, they got to know each other better. They decided to go to lunch together. While they were waiting for lunch the Nurse excused herself to go to the ladies room to wash her hands. When she got back, they ate lunch and chatted some more. Then just before they left, she excused herself again to go wash her hands.
As the day went on, they decided that they would meet that night at his hotel room and get to know each other better. That night, when the Nurse first got there, she asked to use his wash room to wash her hands. Then she came out and they talked, kissed, petted and started getting really aroused. They finally moved their love making to the bedroom, but on the way there, the nurse stopped at the bathroom and washed her hands again. They had sex which the doctor found was very enjoyable. Afterwards, the nurse excused herself to wash her hands again.
When she came back to the bedroom, the doctor said, "I would bet any amount of money that you are a surgical nurse."
The nurse replied, "You are right. How did you know that?"
The doctor said, "It is obvious. You are constantly washing your hands."
The nurse said in reply, "And I would bet anything that you are an Anesthesiologist."
"Very good." replied the doctor. "How did you know that?"
The Nurse replied, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
Lightbulb Joke Collection 25
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.
Q: How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1 to complain that the lightbulb isn't working, 5 to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it, 20 to form an expedition to the fabled Lightbulb Mines of Mythrill, 30 to throw a going-away party, 1 to ask Gandalf for directions, 1 to sell into slavery when the directions aren't stuck to, and they end up in entirely the wrong part of the country, and ready cash runs low, 5 get lost through natural wastage (bandits, murderers, monsters, etc,) 1 to be thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb hoarde, 1 to be thrown to the dragon to cover the retreat, 2 to carry the box of lightbulbs, 5 to find a large, sword-wielding barbarian to escort them home with the lightbulbs, another 30 to throw a safe-return party, 5 to get rid of the barbarian, who in typical style, got drunk at the party, 5 to find an Elf in the neighbourhood tall enough to change the lightbulb, one elf, and 5 to compose ballads of derring-do, heroism, sacrifice and lightbulbs. A grand total of 118.
Q: How many Contract Bridge players does it take to change a Light Bulb?
A: Five. One to change it; their partner to stare at them in complete confusion; one opposing player to ask the partner what they think the changer means by this; the other opponent to complain to the tournament director that there was a deliberate hesitation before the light bulb was changed; and the tournament director to agree and have the old bulb put back in.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Note: Topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
Q: How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They won't, because:
Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many.
Note: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, astronomers prefer the dark.