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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, Nov the 18th 2009
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Photo Trap |
A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.
He later receives a ticket in the mail for \$40 with a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of \$40.
A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 4.2/10 (6 votes cast) |
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There was just a dog fight |
| A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"
"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."
"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!" |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 5.8/10 (5 votes cast) |
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Businessman Is Dying |
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 7.1/10 (7 votes cast) |
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jokes of the day ads
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jokes of the day ads
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| What's a bloke's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can hoover.
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 4.6/10 (5 votes cast) |
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How long...? |
When the surgeon came to see Rita on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job...." |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 7.3/10 (4 votes cast) |
Last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns and dressed quietly. I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went.
Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out there fishing?" |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 7.0/10 (5 votes cast) |
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The End Is Near!
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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?" |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 5.2/10 (6 votes cast) |
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"? |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 6.2/10 (6 votes cast) |
A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“
“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 4.0/10 (5 votes cast) |
The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.
"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 6.0/10 (4 votes cast) |
| I can’t stop talking about the apocalypse. Armageddon too old for that! |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 1.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Good Cause |
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess. He went to the local priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a Jew in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that is no sin."
"But I charged him 20 Gulden for every week he stayed there." "I admit that that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause", replied the priest. "Yes, but I haven't told him that the war is over." |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 7.0/10 (9 votes cast) |
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the
boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping
that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the
amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one
wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie
clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea
turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the
genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the
two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at
Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment,
he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 6.7/10 (24 votes cast) |
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Yearly Exam |
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 feet 4",' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 3.5/10 (4 votes cast) |
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