Jokes of the day for Thursday, 19 November 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 19 November 2009
  • Currently 9.51/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (65)

A Little Extra In The Soup....

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!

He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

Taxi

There was a lady who took a taxi home, and when the taxi driver approached her house she told him to stop, saying, "Okay, here, here is good." Then she asked the driver, "How much is it?" And the driver replied, "Ten dollars." Then, after searching in her purse for a while, she said, "Could you please go back 500 meters? I have only seven dollars on me!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

A chicken and an egg are lying...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (54)

What did the swine flu say to ...

What did the swine flu say to the seasonal flu? H1, N1ce to meet you!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (2)

A man comes home from his golf...

A man comes home from his golf game, and his wife asks if he had a good time.

"No," he said. "In fact, it was the worst day of my life! Harry dropped dead of a heart attack on the 9th hole!"

Sympathetic, his wife says, "Oh, poor Harry! And that must have been awful for you!"

The golfer replies, "You're telling me! For the whole back nine, it was 'Hit the ball, drag Harry; Hit the ball, drag Harry...'"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (2)

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLA...

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Find number abc

If 76a8a + 97b82 = 17a86c find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Damn Parking Enforcement.

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner...
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (2)

Where is God?

A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.
The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.74/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (39)

Whiskey no worms

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.

She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.

She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.

She says "so what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He says "IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WON'T GET WORMS!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (25)

Cooky Cookie Joke

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctors office? A: Because it was feeling crummy.
#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

Knock Knock Collection 050


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doctor!
Doctor who?
You just said it!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Don!
Don who?
Don Patrol!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donatello!
Donatello who?
Donatello'n me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Don Giovanni!
Don Giovanni who?
Don Giovanni talk to me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Don Juan!
Don Juan who?
Don Juan to go to school today!

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 June 2009
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (5)

An Englishman wanted to become...

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 May 2009
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (38)

There was a red head, a brunet...

There was a red head, a brunette, and a blonde riding in the back of a truck. Suddenly the tire popped and the truck drove off the edge into the water.

The red head and brunette swam up and survived, but the blonde drowned because she couldn't get the tail gate open.
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 22 November 2008
  • Currently 3.80/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (10)

Jewish and Chinese Beginnings

"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people," the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"

After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well, for one thing, the Jewish people had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 November 2008
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

Baby Planes

A mo...

Baby Planes

A mother and her son were flying JetStar Airlines from Melbourne to Sydney. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because JetStar always pulls out on time, now have your mother explain that to you."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 November 2008
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (2)

Liar

A priest was called to the house of an elderly attorney.

"How is the patient?" he asked the doctor.

"I'm afraid he's lying at death's door."

The priest sighed. "Poor soul. Going to meet his maker, and he's still lying."

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 November 2008
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Wee Johnny asks his teacher: "...

Wee Johnny asks his teacher: "What's an antelope? Is it true that insects run away to get married?"
Mrs C Smith, Assynt Bank, Penicuik

E-mail your joke to letters_en@edinburghnews.com


The full article contains 37 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

  • #joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 November 2008
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Tech Support: What does it say...

Tech Support: What does it say on the computer? Man: It says, Hit ENTER key when ready. Tech Support: Well? Man: How do I know when it's ready?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 November 2008
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

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