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Jokes of the day for Sunday, Nov the 22nd 2009
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Yellow ball |
| Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who was playing the yellow ball?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 6.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Answering Machine Message 74 |
Stoned, slow voice: Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message.
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 7.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
"Doctor, my son thinks he's a chicken."
"Why don't you bring him in for treatment?"
"We need the eggs."
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 3.2/10 (6 votes cast) |
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Baseball bat... |
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.
"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.
"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?" |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 5.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
Drugs for Women
With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous British pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance:
MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.
STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.
COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence, allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion and argue effectively without being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me any more'.
PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.
MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has yet been found.
WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.
BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports. |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 4.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Thanksgiving Prayer
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A 4-year-old boy was asked to pray before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.
He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one.
Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?" |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 6.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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The Economy is so Bad... |
... That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind
the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
... That CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
... If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
... Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher
than GM.
... McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
... Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
learned their children's names.
... A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into
Mexico .
.. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
... Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
... The Mafia is laying off judges.
... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
And finally...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!!
The guy who made \$50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people
who made \$1.5 Trillion disappear!
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 2.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have
wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at
least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of
kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in Texas?" |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 6.3/10 (8 votes cast) |
Q: How do you know you should not be driving because you have had too much to drink?
A: When you swerve to hit a tree and then realize that it was only your car air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror!
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 6.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At McDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 6.3/10 (4 votes cast) |
| I was surprised when my brain surgeon requested a urine sample. I replied ‘Why does my pia mater?’ |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 3.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Better In Bed |
Once there's a wealth couple, they have maid, driver and a gardener
The wife suspect that the hubby have a affair with the beautiful maid thus looking for chance to fire her.
One day when the hubby is not at home, the wife ask the maid over. She said,"you cook terrible, leaves now."
Maid reply, "But sir say I cook better then you."
Silence, tell her to go out.
As the maid was walking out to the door, she turn back and say, "By the way I'm better then you in bed"
The wife shout angrily,"SIR TOLD YOU THAT?"
Maid reply, "No mdm, It's the gardener and the driver." |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 5.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
| A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:
"It's Adam's suit!!!!!" |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 5.6/10 (25 votes cast) |
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What to do with cows #jokes #politics |
If a Communist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government sells him some of the milk.
If a Socialist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government gives him some of the milk.
If a Nazi has two cows, the government shoots him, and takes both cows.
If a Capitalist has two cows, he sells one and buys a bull.
If a New dealist has two cows, he kills one, milks the other, and throws away the milk.
If a Liberalist has two cows, he sells them to the rich, then taxes them one cow and gives it to the poor.
If a Conservatist has two cows, he locks them up and charges people to look at them.
If an Atheist has two cows, he doesn't believe it.
If a Taoist has two cows, he lets them wander off.
If a Platonist has two cows, he looks for two others to milk.
If a Aristocrat has two cows, he sells them and buys one big one.
If a Pacifist has two cows, they stampede him.
If a Government worker has two cows, he can't sell them, fire them, or even label them as cows.
If a Hillary Clinton has two cows, she robs the ranches and gives everyone two cows. If she doesn't have enough, she gives them bull.
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Permalink | Source : Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
Rating: 5.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
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