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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day for Thursday, Nov the 26th 2009
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Window Dressing |
Q: What do you call two men hanging from a window?
A: Curt and Rod. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 1.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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You might be a redneck if 61 |
| You might be a reneck if...
You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your "stuff" (cars, trucks building materials).
Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.
The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)
Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, "just in case".
You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.
You don't know what a redneck is.
You're still upset that they canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard".
You thought ER was ET's cousin.
You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.
You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name. |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 3.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Deep Thoughts 12 |
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up.
The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a dear.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 5.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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"Doctor, my son thinks he's a chicken."
"Why don't you bring him in for treatment?"
"We need the eggs."
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 3.2/10 (6 votes cast) |
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Bribe... |
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me \$15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me \$10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning \$5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!" |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 3.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
Intellectually Challenged People...
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often."
Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side." |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 7.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Thanksgiving Trio
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Three Thanksgiving Jokes:
- Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.
- When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, “I'm thankful I didn't get caught,” and refuse to say anything more.
- Keep your eye off the turkey dressing. It makes him blush!
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved. |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 5.6/10 (13 votes cast) |
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a
meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They
rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are
three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be
in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff. and he was
gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In
Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff. and
he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after
lunch at 12.35pm ."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST" |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 6.0/10 (5 votes cast) |
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earring.”
“Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 3.8/10 (6 votes cast) |
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 7.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
| The pun about the man with the world’s longest shin? I’ll finish it tomorrow. Tibia continued… |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 3.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Recognize |
A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, a group of very old ladies from town approached them. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied...
"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my FACE that they would recognize." |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 5.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
| This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes!
I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"
The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?" |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 4.6/10 (21 votes cast) |
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Thanksgiving Joke: Hanging the Turkey #jokes #thanksgiving |
Young Simon was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
'What are you doing?' Simon enquired.
'Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey,' his grandmother replied.
'Wow, that's cool.' Simon remarked. 'Are you going to hang it next to the deer?'
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Permalink | Source : Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
Rating: 6.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
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