LimpingWhen I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old football injury that acts up once in a while."
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, "Gee, I never knew you played football."
I said, "Well, I don't. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television..."
A lady came to the hospital to...A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
Tiger WoodsApparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.
Whatâ€™s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Ping just offered Tiger Woods' wife an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They'll be named Elin Woods "the clubs you can beat Tiger with."
News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woodsâ€™ crash. They are calling it "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant."
Tiger is now in trouble with his sponsor Gillette because he said that "this was the closest shave I have had yet."
Tiger crashed his car because he was in a rush to move on to the second hole.
Itâ€™s not often that Tiger Woods starts out with a bad drive, hits a water hazard, and ends up in the trees.
Itâ€™s the first time Tigerâ€™s driven less then 250 yards.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. Apparently he couldnâ€™t decide between a wood and an iron.
I'm having a Lord of the...I'm having a Lord of the Rings dinner party! We're having Hamwise-Sandwichees, with a side of Frodo salad, followed by frog Legolas and Aragorn on the cob. Dessert will be a bowl of mango Saruman and a vodka Gimli.
Little Sue was standing in fro...Little Sue was standing in front of her mirror with her eyes closed.
â€œWhy are you standing there with your eyes closed?â€ asked her sister.
â€œSo I can see what I look like when Iâ€™m asleep,â€ she replied.
Which is a winning combination of digits?
On their way to get married, a...On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
Will you marry me...
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
Giving Very Odd Excuses
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
Front LawnThese two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored.
So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.
"Look," he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?".
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style.
So the passenger says "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."
The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.
So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks "Well. How did it go?"
To which the driver replies "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn.!!!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis
A FARMER and his wife decided ...A FARMER and his wife decided to hold a talent show for their animals in which each contestant would recite a passage from Shakespeare. The prize would be a big marquee with a glitter ball inside. The pig performed a piece from Hamlet; the cow chose Richard III and the sheep picked MacBeth. After much deliberation the farmer and his wife picked the best entry, announcing: "Cow is the winner of our disco tent."
Drunken man staggers in to a C...Drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract
his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on
the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no tissue
paper in this one either."
The Obedient Wife
There was a man who had worked all of his life and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, â€œNow listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, because I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.â€
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. One day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, â€œWait just a minute!â€
She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, â€œGirl, I know you werenâ€™t foolish enough to put all that money in there with that man.â€
She said, â€œListen, Iâ€™m a Christian; I canâ€™t life. I promised him that I was going to put his money in that casket with him, and thatâ€™s what I did.â€
Her friend was amazed, â€œYou mean to tell me you put all his money in the casket with him?â€
â€œI sure did,â€ said the wife. â€œI wrote him a check.â€
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
"Cheney now says he can..."Cheney now says he can't blame the shooting on the guy who got shot. He said we tried that for three days. It didn't work." -- Jay Leno
Things to do in an elevator...When people get on, ask for their tickets.
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, 'Hi Mike. How's your day been?'
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say 'that's mine!'
Push your floor button with your nose.
Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.
Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other building wasn't high enough.
A Child's PrayerOne night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
A french fry walks into a bar ...A french fry walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Hey, could I get a sandwich please?"
The bartender looked at him, shook his head, and said: "No, we don't serve food here."
Redneck quickies 1You might be a redneck if...
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame