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Jokes of the day for Friday, Dec the 4th 2009
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Arguing Effectively |
How to Argue Effectively
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
-=- Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is \$1,452.81 per annum, which is \$836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."
-=- Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers
vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
-=- Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.
You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.
-=- Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly.
Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 4.4/10 (9 votes cast) |
| In Wales, after a road accident, police instruct motorists to drive Caerphilly.
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 3.3/10 (18 votes cast) |
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Superbowl Tickets |
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral." |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 6.9/10 (7 votes cast) |
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What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.
Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess. |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 4.9/10 (7 votes cast) |
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A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
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"God give me patience....And make it quick!" |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 5.8/10 (4 votes cast) |
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Tiger Woods |
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf
club is his wife.
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can
drive a ball 400 yards.
Ping just offered Tiger Woods' wife an endorsement contract
pushing her own set of drivers. They'll be named Elin Woods "the
clubs you can beat Tiger with."
News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about
Tiger Woods’ crash. They are calling it "Crouching Tiger, Hidden
Hydrant."
Tiger is now in trouble with his sponsor Gillette because he
said that "this was the closest shave I have had yet."
Tiger crashed his car because he was in a rush to move on to the
second hole.
It’s not often that Tiger Woods starts out with a bad drive,
hits a water hazard, and ends up in the trees.
It’s the first time Tiger’s driven less then 250 yards.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the
morning? They went clubbing.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. Apparently
he couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 7.2/10 (6 votes cast) |
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jokes of the day ads
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jokes of the day ads
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first
man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do
Father." The priest said, "Then stands over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to get to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply."Then stand over there against
the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and
said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die,
yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 5.4/10 (7 votes cast) |
| Two ducks were out on a lake, one was feeling happy and the other one was feeling upset. When the one duck asked the other duck: "How was your anger therapy session?" the other duck replied: "He said I was in need of another session." The duck asked "Did you say anything to him to make him think that?" The other one said "All I said was that he was a quack." |
Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 3.7/10 (7 votes cast) |
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 3.6/10 (7 votes cast) |
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Limping |
When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old football injury that acts up once in a while."
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, "Gee, I never knew you played football."
I said, "Well, I don't. I hurt it yesterday when I lost \$100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television..." |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 3.9/10 (7 votes cast) |
One day an engineer dies.He was kind that built lots of things, like air conditioners.When he went to heaven he met God. God says "Go to hell, you're not on my list."
So after going 30,255,391 stairs to hell, he lets the devil know who he is and so the devil says "Hey, come on in!"
In hell the engineer built airplanes, buildings, cars, etc. God sees this and says "Hey devil, you know that engineer guy. He needs to come back to heaven."
The devil says "Are you crazy, I'm not gonna let you have him." To which God says "If you dont let me have him, I'll sue."
Devil says "You can't sue! You dont even have lawyers up there!"
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Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 5.1/10 (35 votes cast) |
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Rednecks & Tornados |
| What does a Redneck and a Tornado have in common? Trailer parks......sooner or later they both end up in one... |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 5.1/10 (7 votes cast) |
| I met a homeless prostitute during WWI. She was known as The Grate Whore. |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 2.8/10 (5 votes cast) |
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