While watching a football game...While watching a football game, two friends are talking during a commercial. One guy says, "My wife said I put football before our marriage."
The other guy says, "Oh, she's exaggerating."
First guy says, "I thought so, too, because I just took her out for a really nice celebration of our third season together!"
Rubbing It...One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
One day an engineer dies.He wa...One day an engineer dies.He was kind that built lots of things, like air conditioners.When he went to heaven he met God. God says "Go to hell, you're not on my list."
So after going 30,255,391 stairs to hell, he lets the devil know who he is and so the devil says "Hey, come on in!"
In hell the engineer built airplanes, buildings, cars, etc. God sees this and says "Hey devil, you know that engineer guy. He needs to come back to heaven."
The devil says "Are you crazy, I'm not gonna let you have him." To which God says "If you dont let me have him, I'll sue."
Devil says "You can't sue! You dont even have lawyers up there!"
I met a homeless prostitute du...I met a homeless prostitute during WWI. She was known as The Grate Whore.
Two ducks were out on a lake, ...Two ducks were out on a lake, one was feeling happy and the other one was feeling upset. When the one duck asked the other duck: "How was your anger therapy session?" the other duck replied: "He said I was in need of another session." The duck asked "Did you say anything to him to make him think that?" The other one said "All I said was that he was a quack."
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"God give me patience....And make it quick!"
Chess Knight Move
Walks Into a Bar... Quick ShotsA guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender asks, Dang, why are you drinking so fast?
The guy says, You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had.
The bartender asks, What do you have?
The guy says, 75 cents.
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
In Wales, after a road acciden...In Wales, after a road accident, police instruct motorists to drive Caerphilly.
How to Argue Effectively
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
-=- Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."
-=- Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
As it were
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers
vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
-=- Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.
You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.
-=- Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly.
Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
Rednecks & TornadosWhat does a Redneck and a Tornado have in common? Trailer parks......sooner or later they both end up in one...
LimpingWhen I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old football injury that acts up once in a while."
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, "Gee, I never knew you played football."
I said, "Well, I don't. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television..."
Father Murphy walks into a pub...Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first
man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do
Father." The priest said, "Then stands over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to get to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply."Then stand over there against
the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and
said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die,
yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
What a rip-off. I went into ou...What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.
Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.
(They say men ARE so easy)
Reduce National Debt
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Monday, December 7, 1992
In October, an envelope containing $15,000 in cash was left, anonymously, on a chair at the Detroit IRS office with the instruction to apply it "to reduce the national debt."
ConvertTwo Jews are out for a walk when they pass a Catholic Church with a sign out front that says "Today Only, $1000.00 If You Convert!"
They argue back and forth until they finally decide which one is going to go in and give it a try.
He steps in the church while his friend waits outside. The fellow is in there for hours with his buddy patiently waiting. Finally, he returns.
His friend says "Well what happened? Did you convert? Did you get the money? Show me the money!"
The other fellow says "Is that all you people think about?"
Submitted by Tbone
Edited by Yisman
A Zoo StoryA guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that sheep to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that sheep?"
The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I''m taking him to the movies."