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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, Dec the 8th 2009
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Sweet Talker |
| On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying “Pass the sugar, sugar.... Pass the honey, honey.” Then he says, “Pass the tea, you old bag.” |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 5.8/10 (4 votes cast) |
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Kids Explain the Bible |
| Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had
learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind
enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of
Egypt.
When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a
pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for
reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and
all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?"
his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did,
you'd never believe it!" |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 1.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Try To Grow Chickens |
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 5.5/10 (6 votes cast) |
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| In Wales, after a road accident, police instruct motorists to drive Caerphilly.
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 3.3/10 (18 votes cast) |
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Your husband gets it double! |
A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. O ne day she found a beautiful lamp lying on the sidewalk. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp! The genie said that it would grant her 3 wishes and that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double!
So, the woman thinks of a first wish...
"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
The woman then thought of a second wish...
"I want to be beautiful!!"
So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful.
"Okay", the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for!"
The woman thought real hard and finally came to a decision....
"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!" |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 5.3/10 (4 votes cast) |
So there was these three ducks blowing bubbles in the pond.
A cop passes by and takes them to jail.
They go to court and the judge asks the first duck what did you do?
The first duck says I was blowing bubbles in the pond.
The Judge says your going to jail.
Then the second duck comes in and the judge asks what did you do?
The second duck says i was blowing bubbles in the pond.
The judge says your going to jail.
Then the third duck comes in and the judge asks what did you do?
The third duck says I don't know, but my name is Bubbles |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 4.8/10 (4 votes cast) |
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The Wedding Proposal
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you \$100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”
He slipped the priest the cash and walked away.
The wedding day arrived. When it came time for the groom’s vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said,” Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around and then said in a tiny voice, “I do.”
After the ceremony, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”
The priest slipped the \$100 back into the man’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved. |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 7.4/10 (5 votes cast) |
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
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Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 4.8/10 (4 votes cast) |
The mailperson rings the doorbell and as says: I have a parcel here, but the name on its obliterated.
Smiths says: Can’t be for me, then. My name is Smiths.
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 5.4/10 (5 votes cast) |
The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 6.0/10 (5 votes cast) |
| Disney made a movie about a man who lit his farts. They called it Butane and the Beast. |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 4.6/10 (5 votes cast) |
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Your Son |
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Parent: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating. |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 7.0/10 (5 votes cast) |
| A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, thewife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment andsaid, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, someyoung woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear." |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 5.7/10 (32 votes cast) |
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