Jokes of the day for Sunday, 13 December 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 13 December 2009
  • Currently 9.63/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (76)

Old Man

70 yr old man asks his wife "do u feel sad when u see me running behind young girls?"
Wife replied "No not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

In a terrible accident at a ra...

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (6)

Kids

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

Two blondes, Carol and Patt...

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
  • Currently 5.57/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (46)

Funny Photo of the day - No More Wire Rakes!

No More Wire Rakes! | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (15)

Kittens are taking over the web. It's a cute d'ekat!
#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (2)

Simple Joe who is mad for the ...

Simple Joe who is mad for the horses thought he had a sure winner the other day at the track. The tote board listed his horse as starting at 25 to 1, and he knew the race didn’t start until 1:00 p.m.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (2)

Find a famous person

Find the first and the last name of a famous person. Text may go in all 8 directions. Length of words in solution: 7,5.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Home for the Holidays

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (9)

In a recent FDA study, the Uni...

In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.
#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

The Rabbit

A man was driving down the highway, and he saw a rabbit hopping across the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the same road came along, saw the man crying on the side of the road, and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry; she knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the animal.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans, and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away, the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved again, hopped down the road another fifty yards, waved and hopped another fifty yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (3)

The Plane Is Crashing Into The Ocean


Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".
"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified.
"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".
"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady.
"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (6)

Education for women

Continuing Education Courses for Women

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

Introduction to Parking.

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

Water retention: Fact or Fat.

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

Ballet: For Women Only.

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.

"Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie.

TV Remotes: For Men Only.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

Holy Shot!

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and wont be able to go to work. Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, Are you really going to let him get away with this? No, I guess not, says God. The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesnt bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, Why did you let him do that? To this God says, Whos he going to tell?
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (8)

In Wales, after a road acciden...

In Wales, after a road accident, police instruct motorists to drive Caerphilly.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.72/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (32)

An Aussie pirate walks into a ...

An Aussie pirate walks into a bar
An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
The Barman says 'Sheesh - How'd you lose the leg'
The Pirate says 'Arrrrr - A shark took it off at the knee'
The Barman says 'Thats no good, what about the hand?'
The Piarate says 'Arrrrg - Lost it in a bloody bar brawl'
The Barman says 'Jeez - Well what about the eye then?'
The Pirate says 'Thats easy a seagul crapped in it'
The Barman says 'What?!?!'
The Pirate says 'Arrrrrrr...I'd only had the hook one day...'
#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 June 2009
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Degrees....

The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 December 2008
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (8)

The former Surgeon General was...

The former Surgeon General was discussing who is the easiest to operate on with some friends.

One surgeon said engineers were the easiest to operate on because their insides were color coded.

One surgeon said librarians were the easiest because their insides were arranged in alphabetical order.

Elders said that Clinton was the easiest person to operate on by far. He has no guts, no spine, no heart and his dick and brain are interchangeable!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 December 2008
  • Currently 7.17/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (6)

What did the neurotic pig say ...

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

Pauline Smith, Leith


The full article contains 21 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

  • #joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 December 2008
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (6)

Car Company Names


AUDI

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

All Un-informed Drivers Insulted

All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW

Big Money Works

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

BUICK

Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE

Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater

Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FORD

Fix Or Repair Daily

Found On Road, Dead

Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM

General Maintenance

GMC

Garage Man's Companion

HONDA

Had One Never Did Again

Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto

HYUNDAI

Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?

MAZDA

Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE

Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB

Send Another Automobile Back

TOYOTA

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW

Virtually Worthless





#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 December 2008
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (6)

The Best Way to Insult a Loser

A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, "Look

... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not

inflatable"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 December 2008
  • Currently 3.80/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (5)

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