Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 16 December 2009
  • Currently 9.61/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (71)

Why?

Boy: Mom, why am I black and you are white?
Mom: Listen Son, considering all the crazy things I did years ago, you should be thankful that you are not barking!!!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (6)

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying awake looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"I see thousands of stars," replied Watson.
Then Holmes asked, "And what does that mean to you?"
"Well," said Watson "I suppose it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me Watson, it means someone has stolen our tent!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

Arguing About the Sign #jokes

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.
What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.
Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."
Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."
Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"
Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!"
The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.
Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (6)

There was a blonde driving ...

There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway.She crashed into the car infront of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong? She said officer no matter where i turn there is a tree if i turn left,right, there is a tree. The officer leaned over and said mam that is your air freshener.

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
  • Currently 3.85/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (52)

Funny Photo of the day - Why Does He Get All The Ladies Gosh

Why Does He Get All The Ladies Gosh | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (6)

Graphic designers are obsessed...

Graphic designers are obsessed with kern events. Especially web designers - they love checking out Britney's css. HTML baby one more time!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Teacher: Now, you must not say...

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”
Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.43/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (7)

Find the pattern to determin...

Find the pattern to determine what the missing number is.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Buddhists and the Blues

Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A: Because Buddhists don't have any soul.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Chiyo

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.38/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (13)

Milk the cow...

After much urging by his wife, Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.

An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other.

"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (2)

Business One-liners 60


He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints.
Hindsight is an exact science.
History is the science of what never happens twice.
History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history.
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.
I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

Sue

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?

"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?

"Cause what I wanna know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (6)

The elderly couple were visiti...

The elderly couple were visiting another pair of oldies one evening. After dinner the ladies were ( as usual) tidying up in the kitchen while the two old chappies chuntered happily together in the sitting room.

The host says, "Oh, we went to a new restaurant the other night...it was quite good, really."

"Interesting," replies the guest. "What's it called?"

"Uuuuuummmmmm, let me see now...mmmm...what do you call that beautiful flower....it comes in many colours...red, pink, yellow....you know the one, has a sweet fragrance, thorns on the stem, etc..."

"Oh, you must mean a rose!"

"Of course!!!......Rose! (calls towards the kitchen) what's the name of the restaurant we went to?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (2)

Mexican Funeral

Q: Whats the slowest thing on 80 wheels?
A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

In Wales, after a road acciden...

In Wales, after a road accident, police instruct motorists to drive Caerphilly.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (38)

An Irishman in a wheel chair e...

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. He then looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded, "Yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said, "Give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said, "Give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 June 2009
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (2)

Toughest Time
"I had th...

Toughest Time
"I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
I don't know how I pulled through it.... It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 June 2009
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

Alien Sex

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?"

asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?"

exclaims the woman.

"Why?"

he asked, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.

"Well," she said.

"That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 December 2008
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (16)

After just a few years of marr...

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here Tuesdays and Thursdays."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 December 2008
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (8)

The $5,000,000 question....

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation . . .

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 December 2008
  • Currently 7.40/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (5)

Snowboarding Lesson


Snowboarding Lessons

When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."

This is the voice of Satan.

I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.

I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.

This is because I went snowboarding.

For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool."

People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.

We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).

If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.

At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.

So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.

In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.

Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.

Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.

Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.

You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)

We learned snowboarding via a two step method:

Step One: Watching Brad do something.

Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.

I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.

I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.

"Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!"

Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.

If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.





#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 December 2008
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

What do you get when you throw...

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine?
A flat minor.

Douglas Wilson, Portobello
If you have a joke to share with us e-mail: letters_en @edinburghnews.com


The full article contains 37 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

  • #joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 December 2008
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Jokes Archive

NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.