Jokes of the day for Thursday, 17 December 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 17 December 2009
  • Currently 9.59/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (75)

Ass Kissing and Brown Nosing

Q: Whats the only difference between ass kissing and brown nosing?
A: Depth perception.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.38/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (8)

Sex Researcher

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."
"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 6.63/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (8)

Goodbye, Mom

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,
it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout and, as she was on her way out of the store,
the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,
he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"That can't be right... I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tearjerker. Don't trust little old ladies!
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Touring South America #joke

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"
#joke
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Whaddya Mean There’s An Easier Way To Do This?

Whaddya Mean There’s An Easier Way To Do This? | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (6)

There was a competition to cro...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (55)

My cow sneezed, so I swore at ...

My cow sneezed, so I swore at it. There was so much moo cuss.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (3)

Find number abc

If 6c533 - b33a0 = 44153 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

If you had purchased $1,000 o...

If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left. With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left. With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turn in the cans for the aluminum recycling Refund, you would have had $214. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg…..
#joke #beer
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (6)

A Priest and a Rabbi Were on a Plane…

The priest replied, "Yes that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork, isn't it?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (8)

A wife was making a breakfast ...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT! "

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (5)

An act of kindness....

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (5)

Ponderings Collection 40


Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Redneck quickies 4

You might be a redneck if...

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

In Wales, after a road acciden...

In Wales, after a road accident, police instruct motorists to drive Caerphilly.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (38)

Just as Skilled
A woman...

Just as Skilled
A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair.
"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."
"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body. The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."
"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is running."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 19 June 2009
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

You Know You're a Queen i...

You Know You're a Queen if...

If someone says "How 'bout them Bulls?" and what you think of are petite picadors in tight pants, then, Miss Thing you're a Queen.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 December 2008
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (7)

Which one picked it up?

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

#joke #short #lawyer #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 December 2008
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

Clinton's Favorite Rock Band

Q: What is Clinton's favorite rock band?

A: Cheap Trick.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 December 2008
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

You Might Be A Redneck If 51


You might be a redneck if...

Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.

The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.





#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 December 2008
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (4)

Police arrested two men, one f...

Police arrested two men, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 December 2008
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (3)

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