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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Monday, Dec the 21st 2009
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Painters Wanted. Must Have Firm Grasp Of Physics. |
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Permalink | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
Rating: 1.6/10 (5 votes cast) |
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Blonde in a Snowstorm |
A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her fathers advice, If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, Well, Im done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 4.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Sexual Sofa |
| An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.
"Is there something in particular I can show you?"
he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional," she said shrugging.
"All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!" |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 6.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Real News Headlines 01 |
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 3.8/10 (4 votes cast) |
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| In Wales, after a road accident, police instruct motorists to drive Caerphilly.
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 3.3/10 (18 votes cast) |
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A new apartment... |
Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
"Johnatahan," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."
"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains...." |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 6.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago." |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 6.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Letters from Little Boys to God
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Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
Tom L.
Dear God,
I went to this wedding on Sunday and they kissed right in the church! Is that O.K.?
Neil
Dear God,
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.
Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce
Dear God,
If you give me a genie lamp like in Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
Raphael
Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Greg
Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to another camp this summer.
Peter
Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I look both ways.
Dean
Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
Doug
Dear God,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair.
Sam
Dear God,
I am American. What are you?
Robert
Dear God,
If you didn't let the dinosaur become extinct, we wouldn't have this country. You did the right thing.
Jonathan
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry
Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not saying that because you are God already.
Charles
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Thursday. That was cool!
Eugene
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 3.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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The Zoo |
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 6.8/10 (5 votes cast) |
Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"
Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought." |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 4.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
A woman sent her son to get a tin of beans from the store. The boy went and found nobody at the store except the shopkeeper who was up the ladder filling up his shelves.
'Give me a tin of beans for my mother,' said the boy.
The keeper, from up there told him: 'Wait in the line.'
The boy looked around and saw nobody so he said again:
'Give me a tin of beans for my mum.'
The keeper said again: 'I told wait for your turn.'
The boy asked for the third time for the tin of beans.
'Can you see how many people there are before you? I said wait for your turn!'
The boy, who realizes he was being taken for ride, reached for a tin of peas from the lowest shelf and through it at the shopkeeper, hitting him in his forehead.
The Shopkeeper came down bleeding all over and said to the boy:
'See what you have done? You broke my head.'
'Good grief, of all these people you picked up on me?' said the boy and ran away home.
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 6.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."
"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 7.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
| Feminists have high standards. They’re always razing the bra. |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 4.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
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The story of my life... |
After years of scrimping and saving, I told my wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."
"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," I said sadly, "a 1979 Cadillac." |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 1.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his
5th grade class a lesson about the evils of
liquor, so he produced an experiment that
involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey,
and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely
the worms," said the professor putting a worm
first into the water. The worm in the water
writhed about, happy as a worm in water
could be. The second worm, he put into the
whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly
sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now,
what lesson can we derive from this
experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his
hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey
and you won't get worms." |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 5.4/10 (20 votes cast) |
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Naming Your Child #joke |
There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.
When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.
When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.
He said, "The first one was a girl."
The mother: "What did you name her?!?"
Brother: "Denise!"
The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
Brother: "The second one was a boy."
The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"
Brother: "Denephew."
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Permalink | Source : Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
Rating: 7.0/10 (3 votes cast) |
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