Jokes of the day for Thursday, 24 December 2009

Where you Working

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in Management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

An elderly lady was stopped to...

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"

The man was a real smart aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.

The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?"

The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

Moving to Nevada

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

Christmas Eve Jokes - One Liners #joke #Christmas

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve!
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D"!
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia!
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Black mail!
Who delievers cat's Christmas presents?
Santa Paws!
Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus!
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks!
Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty!

A blonde and a redhead met in ...

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.'
The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.
So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.
The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'

Nuclear holocaustr...

Nuclear holocaust: when your family confronts you in an auditorium.

It's Christmas Eve and mo...

It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally say: "Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace." Distracted, the mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?" Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."

In Sydney she was Rhonda
Sh...

In Sydney she was Rhonda
She was Patsy out in Perth
In Brisbane she was Brenda,
The sweetest girl on earth.
In Wagga she was Wendy
The pick of all the bunch,
But down on his expenses
She was petrol, oil and lunch.

Christmas Eve Accident

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

The National Institute of Heal...

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

Relatives....

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

Preservation Society

Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison lightbulb so it'll be aesthetically accurate.

Five Days of Christmas

Q: What did the blonde ask Santa Claus for Christmas? A: Five golden dings, four calling nerds, three French men, two purple gloves, and a bar fridge and a party.

What do you get if you cross a...

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?

Answering Machine Message 76

French monologue in the background: Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".

Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) ar...

Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers " Yes".

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob; "How about Viagra"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob turns to Rebecca: "Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them."

Playing house...

A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"

"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.

The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means..."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

You know you are in a Texas church when

People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.

The restrooms are outside.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

When it rains, everyone is smiling.

Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".

The pastor wears boots.

Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

Baptism is referred to as "branding".

There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.

The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"

Fortune cookie saying #39: A c...

Fortune cookie saying #39: A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

In the Eyes of the Lord<...

In the Eyes of the Lord

A guy enters confessional and says to the priest with guilt, "I had an affair...almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean Â’almost?Â’"

The guy says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped."

"In the eyes of the Lord, rubbing against each other is the same as putting it in," says the priest. "For your penance, say five Hail MaryÂ’s and put $20 in the poor box."

The guy leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment then starts to leave.

The priest, seeing this, quickly runs over to him and says, "You didnÂ’t put any money in the poor box!"

The guy stops and says, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $20 on the box, and in the eyes of the Lord, thatÂ’s the same as putting it in."