Jokes of the day for Monday, 28 December 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 28 December 2009
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Insomnia

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him. "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
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Rating: 4.7/10 (3)

A young boy decided he wanted ...

A young boy decided he wanted to make some extra money, so he ask his Uncle Joe if he could work on his farm.

Uncle Joe wasn't sure the boy could handle the hard work on a farm, but decided to give him a chance.

He told the boy to go milk one of his cows, and depending on how well he did, then he would decide rather he would hire him.

The boy was given a bucket and a stool.

An hour later the boy returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other.

"Extracting the milk was easy," the boy explained, "The really hard part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
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Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Monday, 28 December 2009

Funny video of the day Monday, 28 December 2009 - link to page video is posted initially.
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Rating: 4.3/10 (28)

Nail In Experiment #joke

During a freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment.
"I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail," he said.
The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, "Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 6.86/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (7)

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teach...

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."
Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced.
"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.
"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
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Funny Photo of the day - SRSLY DAD GTFO

SRSLY DAD GTFO | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
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For an archer, opportunity ...

For an archer, opportunity nocks.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (5)

Looking over the log book kept...

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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Which is a winning combination of digits?

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A man is at work one day when ...

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
Earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
curious about his sudden change in 'fashion
sense.'
The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him
to say, 'So, how long have you been
wearing one?'
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
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Rating: 4.7/10 (7)

Two retired gentlemen are sitt...

Two retired gentlemen are sitting on a park bench in Gainesville.

The first one asks the second what he used to do.

The second says "Well, I used to be a beekeeper in Wisconsin, but a fire burned the warehouse to the ground, so I collected the insurance and retired. What about you?"

The first man says "Well, I used to be a beekeeper, too, but a flood wiped out my whole business. So I took the insurance money and retired, too."

The second beekeeper thinks for a while, then asks "How do you start a flood?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
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Ice Cream Lessons

Where would you learn how to make ice cream? At Sundae school.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
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Rating: 4.6/10 (5)

The Snail

A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice, "Hey mister, could you lend me 10 bucks?"

The man looked down and saw a snail sitting on his porch. He said, "What do you want?"

The snail said, "Could you lend me 10 bucks?"

The man yelled, "get out of here!" and then kicked him off the porch.

About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say, "What did you do that for?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
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Rating: 5.3/10 (4)

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

... Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (10)

Room 8

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks,

"Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but

be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room

8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms

for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass

room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and

they think they're the only ones here.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (10)

Where Did She Go?

An elderly woman in her nineties had a visitor from her church come to see her at the nursing home.
“How are you?” the visitor asked.
“Oh,” said the elderly woman, “I’m just worried sick!”
“You look like you’re in good health. They take good care of you here, don’t they?”
“Oh, yes, they take good care of me here.”
“Do you have any pain?” the visitor asked.
“No, I can’t say I do,” the elderly woman replied.
“Then what has you worried sick?” the visitor asked.
The elderly woman leaned in and explained, “All of my closest friends have already died and gone to heaven. I’m sure they are all wondering where I went!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
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Rating: 4.8/10 (11)

Scary Collection 40


A witch joke
Why do witches scratch themselves all the time?
Because they're the only ones who know where a witch itches!

A vampire joke
Do you know that Dracula wants to be a comedian?
He's still looking for a crypt writer though!

A werewolf joke
What do you call an extinct hairy beast?
A were-wolf!

A ghost joke
Where do mummies go if they want to swim?
The Dead Sea!

A werewolf joke
What happens if you cross a werewolf and a sheep?
You have to get a new sheep!

A vampire joke
Why are vampire families so close?
Because blood is thicker than water!

A werewolf joke
What is fearsome, hairy and drinks from the wrong side of a glass?
A werewolf with hiccups!


#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
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Rating: 3.0/10 (8)

Blondes Love Puzzles

There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night.

In walked a group of blondes & they were chanting "44 days! 44 days!"

One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame.

The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, "Why are you chanting 44 days?"

She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, "A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 December 2008
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Women's Logic

On...

Women's Logic

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 December 2008
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Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Greeting cards you will not see at Hallmark...

'Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?'

'Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife.'

'How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?'

'I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind.'

'I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you.'

'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me.'

'As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy...'

'Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!'

'Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.'

'Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you.'

'You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!'

'When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.'

'I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.'

'We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?'

'I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here.'

'Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?'

'You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 December 2008
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Speaker at an ESP conference: ...

Speaker at an ESP conference: "How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 December 2008
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Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Europe English


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!





#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 December 2008
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