Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 05 January 2010

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 05 January 2010
  • Currently 9.56/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (114)

Beer Drinkers Guide:

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

A circus owner walked into a b...

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "Did you light the candle under the pot?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (8)

Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Tuesday, 05 January 2010

Funny video of the day Tuesday, 05 January 2010 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 2.89/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (9)

Getting Revenge with Marriage #humor #joke

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 2.75/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (4)

A magician was working on a cr...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?
#joke
Joke | Source: Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
  • Currently 6.36/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (59)

Funny Photo of the day - Workspace Fail

Workspace Fail | Source : Fail blog - Epic Fail Pictures and Videos of Owned, Pwnd and Fail Moments
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (8)

Just before getting married, w...

Just before getting married, women may ask their fianc├ęs to get a preen-up.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.25/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (4)

Q: What is the difference betw...

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a cat?
A: One is an arrogant creature that will claw you out of house and money, and the other is a cat.
#joke #short #lawyer
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (4)

I can swing but have no rope...

I can swing but have no rope. What am I?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

One day I met a sweet gentlema...

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told
him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my
way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off
any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner
and
before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed
delightedly:
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I
took
a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned
and went
to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over
a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously..
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back
on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through
the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated
around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 4.27/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (11)

A Prayer Upon Waking

Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen.

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.16/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (32)

I want you to know that this i...

I want you to know that this is not the game I usually play," snapped an irate golfer to his caddie.

"I should hope not, sir. But tell me," enquired the caddie, "what game do you usually play?"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 3.25/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (4)

Practice Makes Perfect

Q: How do you know you cant trust doctors and lawyers?
A: Because they both practice their professions.
#joke #short #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.25/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (4)

Friendly Americans!

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale.

Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Play As James Bond


Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."
"Batted .007," his wife added.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (5)

An Amish girl

An Amish girl and her mother were driving their buggy one day in the winter, when the girl told her mom that her hands were cold. She said to put them between her legs, so she did.

The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy and he said to the girl that his hands were cold. The girl said to put them between her legs and he did.

The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy again and he told the girl that his nose was cold and she told him to put it between her legs, so he did.

The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy and he told her that his penis was frozen solid, so she told him to put it between her legs and he did.

The next day the girl was riding in the buggy with her mother and asked her if she knew what a penis was. She replied, "Yes, why?"

"Because they sure do make a mess when they thaw out."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (5)

What sort of television progra...

What sort of television programmes do ducks like?
Duckumentaries
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.32/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (22)

What kind of tree fits in your...

What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree

Brian Phelps, Craiglockhart
If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@ edinburghnews.com


The full article contains 36 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

  • #joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 05 January 2009
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (7)

Political wisdom

...

Political wisdom

1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
- Winston Churchill

3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
- G Gordon Liddy

5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting, On what to have for dinner.
- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few Short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
- Ronald Reagan (1986)

10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
- Will Rogers

11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
- P.J. O'Rourke

12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
- Voltaire (1764)

13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
- Pericles (430 B.C.)

14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
- Mark Twain (1866)

15) Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it.
- Unknown

17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
- Winston Churchill

18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
- Mark Twain

19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
- Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
- Thomas Jefferson
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 05 January 2009
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (6)

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