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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Friday, Jan the 8th 2010
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Don’t Be Shy, Donald. It’s How She’s Putting Herself Through Beauty School. |
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Funny photo of the day Permalink | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
Rating: 3.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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The Hippie and the Spice Rack |
| With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local casualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long-haired colleagues. So what was he doing then? asks the physician. Acid? Cannabis? Sort of, replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff. And what was in that? asks the doctor. Um, I kind of raided my girlfriends spice rack. says the hippie. There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika. Well, that explains it, the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. He is in a Korma. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 1.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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National Love Making |
| A Frenchman, an Italian and an Canadian were discussing love-making.
"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman.
"She was in sheer ectasy this morning..."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once." he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop." |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 4.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Answering Machine Message 71 |
Theme music from Peter Gunn: My name is David. What people call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then... she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid.
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Six months... |
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!" |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 5.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet." |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 7.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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The Search for a Pastor During Bible Times
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Dear Member,
We do not have a happy report, as we have not been able to find a suitable candidate for pastor of our church thus far. We do, however, have one promising prospect. The following is our confidential report on the candidates:
Adam: Good man, but has problems with his wife.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart. Interprets dreams. Has a prison record.
Moses: Modest and meek, but poor communicator; even stutters at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings.
Deborah: One word—female.
David: The most promising candidate of all, until we discovered the affair he had with a neighbor’s wife.
Solomon: Great preacher, but serious woman problems.
Elijah: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
Jonah: Told us he was swallowed by a huge fish. He said the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Backward and unpolished. With some seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a problem with wealthy people.
John: Says he’s a Baptist, but doesn’t dress like one. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Paul: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. But he’s short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night.
Timothy: Too young.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday with great hopes that he will accept our offer!
From "Moses' Favorite Travel Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
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Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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The Buffalo Theory |
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
Black Fellah to White Fellah
Dear white fellah,
There's a coupla tings you orta no.
Firstly
Wen I am born, I'm black.
Wen I grow up, I'm black.
Wen I get sick, I'm black.
Wen I'm cold, I'm black.
Wen I go out in the sun, I'm black.
And wen I get scared, I'm black.
And wen I die, yes, I'm still black.
But you white fellah ....
Wen you born, you pink.
Wen you grow up, you white.
Wen you get sick, you green
Wen you cold, you go blue.
Wen you go out in the sun, you go red.
And wen you get scared, you yellah.
And wen you die, you purple
And you call me coloured !! |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 5.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
| All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guest sitting in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. |
Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
After 30 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were, son," his mother said as tears came to her eyes, "but it didn't work out, and they brought you back."
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 5.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
| My wife is turned on by men with yachts. So I bought one. I guess turn a boat is foreplay. |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Battle of the sexes - The female perspective |
I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...
1) In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing
like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be
a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is screwing!"
and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.
2) I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to
take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your
football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation
incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
3) Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell
them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.
4) And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
5) After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not
expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I
let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
6) I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
7) In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position
you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie
there, grinning.
8) I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform
you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll
invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to
stay.
9) After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And
if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have
"ruined me for other men".
10) I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and
remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will
only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in
charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of
course.
Signed:____________________________________
Date:________________ |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 7.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed.
She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the
basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he
husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby.
"Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to
either marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!" |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 7.0/10 (8 votes cast) |
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Woman on the bus with her baby #joke #humor |
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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Permalink | Source : Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
Rating: 4.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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