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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, Jan the 13th 2010
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Mimes |
| Whats black and white and red all over? Mimes in a chainsaw fight. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 8.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Honey I'm home |
| Three words women hate to hear when having sex "Honey, I'm home!" |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 4.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Skipping Days |
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping." |
Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 8.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
| Why did Stephen Hendry spend so long at the bus stop? He was at the end of the cue.
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Things You Should Never Say To A Police Officer |
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop! No doughnut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on the T.V show Cops?
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Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 7.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He’s fantastic in bed." That’s Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Telemarketing.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you’re fantastic in bed." That’s Brand Recognition. |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 9.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Profiting from Mistakes
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"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister.
"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.
"Are you absolutely certain?"
"Yes, my son, absolutely."
"Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that \$25 I gave you after my wedding last year?" |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 6.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Final Exam |
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 6.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
A Food Valentine
Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You're such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?
You've been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect pear.
Now, something's sure to Turnip,
To prove you can't be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let's let our tulips meet.
Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato's eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.
I'll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I'll work and share my Celery,
So be my valentine.
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Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 7.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
Two old-time political aides are walking through a shabby, overgrown cemetery, writing down names from the headstones.
One of the men works very fast, stopping only by upright stones where he can read the names clearly.
The other works deliberately, gone from one stone to the next, kneeling down and clearing away the grass and wiping away the grime in order to see the name clearly.
"Why are you spending so much time doing that?" the first man asked.
"I'll tell you," the second man said. "This is a free country with a Constitution and everything. Each one of the people has as much right as the next to cast his vote."
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 8.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
1. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their home number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
7. If a phone services company calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 8.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
| Which animals really enjoy looking at their reflections? |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Size Does Matter!!! |
A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen." |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 7.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Slot Machine Winner! #humor #joke |
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
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Permalink | Source : Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
Rating: 4.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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