Jokes of the day for Monday, 18 January 2010

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 18 January 2010
  • Currently 9.66/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (102)

Speeding

A man was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, "Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?"
"Have you ever gone fishing?" the officer asked.
"Yes," Walt replied.
"Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

A young boy stopped by the cor...

A young boy stopped by the corner grocery store and read his list to the clerk: "10 pounds if sugar at $1.25 a pound; 4 pounds of coffee at $1.50 a pound; 2 pounds of butter at $1.10 a pound and 2 bars of soap at 83 cents each. How much does that come to?"

"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents," replied the clerk.

"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?"

"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents."

"Thanks! That's my arithmetic homework for tomorrow."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
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Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Monday, 18 January 2010

Funny video of the day Monday, 18 January 2010 - link to page video is posted initially.
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Rating: 4.4/10 (11)

Half-Wit

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

Filling in for St. Peter #joke #humor

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'

'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'

'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'

'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered.

'I'm am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'
#joke
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - A Modern Mr. Fox

A Modern Mr. Fox | Source : Jokes photos - Used to be - WTF Pictures and WTF videos - but site no longer exists
  • Currently 3.73/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (11)

Tiger Woods' career has ...

Tiger Woods' career has philandered.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (6)

A politician was walking home ...

A politician was walking home from the county courthouse the evening of Election Day when he came upon a young boy sitting on the curb, bawling his eyes out.
"Why are you crying?" the politician asked.
"My dad died," the boy replied.
"That's terrible, when did it happen?"
"Five years ago," the boy said.
"Five years ago? And you are still this upset?"
"It's not that," the boy said. "It's just that my dad voted today, but he didn't come to see me."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

Guess the Band Name

Which musician band has an album with a cover as in the picture?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Get Well Soon
A motorc...

Get Well Soon
A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Love, from the nurse you gave a ticket to, last week!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 4.56/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (9)

A man goes to the doctor with ...

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (7)

Fascinate

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (6)

Snooker Man

y did the snookerman go to the toilet, to pot brown!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.28/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (29)

Yo mamma

Yo mamma is like a bicycle everyone gets a ride.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.14/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (7)

Intelligent Preference

Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women?
A: Opposites attract.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.42/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (19)

Why do Morris dancers wear bel...

Why do Morris dancers wear bells?
So they can annoy blind people as well.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.48/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (33)

What Do You Call a Sleepwalking Nun?

Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming Catholic.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 October 2009
  • Currently 6.40/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (5)

One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 October 2009
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (45)

Businessman Is Dying


A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."





#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 January 2009
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (9)

I was browsing in a souvenir s...

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.

Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"Ah," he sighed that must he her checking out now."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 January 2009
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

the gates of heaven

Three nuns die and go to heaven. When they reach the gates of heaven ST. Peter tells them that they have to answer a question to enter. Then he asks them which one wants to go first. The oldest of the three say I will go fisrt and set an example for the other two. So St Peter asks her "Who was the first man on Earth?"

. She says thats easy Adam was the first man on Earth. Lights flash, horns blow, bells ring, and the gates of heaven open wide and the nun enters. Well the second nun steps up and says I guess I will go next. St Peter asks her "Who was the first woman on Earth?"

She answers thats easy Eve was the first woman on Earth. Lights flash, horns blow, bells ring and the gates of heaven open up and that nun enters. The last nun steps up and says I guess it is my turn now. St Peter then asks her "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"

. The nun thinks and thinks and she cant come up with what Evesaid to Adam first so she looks at St Peter and says "Thats hard". Lights flash, horns blow bells ring and the gates of heaven open up.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 January 2009
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (3)

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