JOKES OF THE DAY

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it's his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.

Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.

Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.

Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.

Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, 'Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.'

Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, 'All that money and they didn't even iron it.'

* Honkey Tonk Nights On The Golden Heigh lo

* I Was One Of The Chosen People ‘Til She Chose Somebody Else

* Stand By Your Merch

* I'm Crying In The Manischewitz

* The Shikoas Gonna Hit The Fan!

* Four Thousand Years Of Sufferin' And I Had To Go And Marry You

* Eighteen Wheels And A Dozen Latkes

* You've Been Talkin' Hebrew In Your Sleep Since The Rabbi's Come To Town

* You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me Schiemiel

* Yippee Ko Yi Oy!


- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.