Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 02 February 2010

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 02 February 2010
  • Currently 9.61/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (105)

What Will You Do

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.29/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (7)

"Do you sing?"

"Of co...

"Do you sing?"

"Of course I do."

"What kind of music?"

"Aquapella."

"Don't you mean 'a cappella', singing without accompaniment?"

"Nope. I mean 'aquapella,' singing accompanied only by the water coming out of the shower head."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (4)

Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Tuesday, 02 February 2010

Funny video of the day Tuesday, 02 February 2010 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

Crossing the Border #joke #humor

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"

"Bicycles!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (4)

After Catcher in the Rye...

After Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger’s writing career stayed in a Holden pattern. And he would never field any cauls.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Choir Boy Candle Holders WTF

Choir Boy Candle Holders WTF | Source : Jokes photos - Used to be - WTF Pictures and WTF videos - but site no longer exists
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (8)

The judge warned the witness, ...

The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?” “I do.”
“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.63/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (8)

Udurawana, coming back from a ...

Udurawana, coming back from a late night movie was attacked by a thief. There was a terrific fight and Udurawana gave a good account for himself. But finally the thief tied him down and went through his pockets.
He found only 25 cents.
The exasperated robber exclaimed "What the hell.
Why were you fighting for only 25 Cents"
Udurawana replied "Oh. You were only after this 25 Cents is it ? I thought you were after the Rs.1,000 I have hidden in my left shoe".
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 4.63/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (8)

Find the right combination

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Manners

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 4.29/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (7)

Soft Hands

Q. What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful?
A. Nothing, nothing at all.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeliefnetSabee

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

The new dads!

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"

When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets.

"That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (5)

California Crazy Law


  • Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
  • Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
  • Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
  • Bathhouses are against the law.
  • In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
  • No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
  • Women may not drive in a house coat.
  • It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

    Arcadia


  • Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

    Alhambra


  • You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

    Baldwin Park


  • Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

    Belvedere


  • City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

    Blythe


  • You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

    Burlingame


  • It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

    Carmel


  • Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
  • Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

    Chico


  • Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

    Downey


  • It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

    Hollywood


  • It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

    Lafayette


  • You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

    Lodi


  • It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

    Lompoc


  • It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

    Long Beach


  • It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
  • Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

    Los Angeles


  • Toads may not be licked.
  • You may not hunt moths under a street light.
  • It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
  • You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
  • Zoot suits are prohibited.
  • It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
  • It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

    Ontario


  • Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

    Pacific Grove


  • Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

    Palm Springs


  • It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

    Pasadena


  • It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

    Prunedale


  • Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

    Redlands


  • Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

    Riverside


  • One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

    San Diego


  • The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
  • It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

    San Francisco


  • Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
  • Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
  • It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
  • It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

    San Jose


  • It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

    Santa Monica


  • You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

    Temecula


  • Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

    #joke #christmas
  • Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
    • Currently 3.00/10

    Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

    Coffee Breaks

    Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

    A: It

    takes too long to retrain them.

    #joke #short #blonde
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
    • Currently 4.78/10

    Rating: 4.8/10 (27)

    Intelligent Preference

    Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women?
    A: Opposites attract.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
    • Currently 4.36/10

    Rating: 4.4/10 (22)

    What does the starship enterpr...

    What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
    They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 November 2009
    • Currently 5.11/10

    Rating: 5.1/10 (53)

    A couple went on vacation to a...

    A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap.

    The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out. Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

    Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?"

    "Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?"

    "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

    "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely."

    "But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up."

    "If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman.

    "But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected.

    "That's true; but you have all the equipment."

    THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 25 July 2009
    • Currently 3.25/10

    Rating: 3.3/10 (4)

    Nuns confession

    A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.

    He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.

    "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.

    Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."

    The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

    The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."

    She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass."

    The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus"

    With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 February 2009
    • Currently 5.55/10

    Rating: 5.6/10 (38)

    Why did the dude only smell go...

    Why did the dude only smell good on the right side? He didn't know where to buy Left Guard!
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 February 2009
    • Currently 3.76/10

    Rating: 3.8/10 (25)

    It's scary when you start maki...

    It's scary when you start making the same noises
    As your coffee maker.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 February 2009
    • Currently 3.78/10

    Rating: 3.8/10 (9)

    Avid golfer...

    A couple met at Myrtle Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over.

    "It's only fair to warn you, Linda," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live...eat...sleep...and breathe golf."

    "Well,..." Linda said, "Since you're being honest, so will I. You see, I'm a hooker."

    "I see," he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said..."It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 February 2009
    • Currently 4.43/10

    Rating: 4.4/10 (7)

    Where does the one legged wait...

    Where does the one legged waitress work?
    The Ihop.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 February 2009
    • Currently 6.17/10

    Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

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