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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, Feb the 3rd 2010
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Men and the Toilet Seat |
Q: How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
A: Who knows -- its never been done. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 4.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Rising to the Occasion |
| A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology
professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided
the next time he did something offensive, they would all
stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very
next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African
natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be
interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a
cock twelve inches long."
The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.
The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The
next flight to there isn't until Saturday!" |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 7.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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A Collection Of Insults |
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.
Brain transplant donor.
Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
Brings binoculars to submarine races.
Broadcasts static.
Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 1.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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The Boss and the wife... |
A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to upset his wife for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.
Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story,
"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"
"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hitailed it back here! Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers." |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 9.0/10 (3 votes cast) |
The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside.
On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.
"Jesus Christ!" he says.
Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!" |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 2.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Dating a Nun
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Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a nun?
He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she declined on account of she had taken a vow abstaining from Carnival pleasures.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeerLover |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 4.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Redneck Love |
Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he’d first made love.
"It was right down there by that thar tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day." We was madly in love. We made our way down to that thar tree and made love fer hours," explained Clem.
"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.
"Yep, it was goin’ real good until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us."
"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you was makin’ love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 8.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he
would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
"CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you
doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And
where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't
work in the dark |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 9.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.
‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’
Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….'
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
"Do you sing?"
"Of course I do."
"What kind of music?"
"Aquapella."
"Don't you mean 'a cappella', singing without accompaniment?"
"Nope. I mean 'aquapella,' singing accompanied only by the water coming out of the shower head."
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 1.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
| Wheat farmers always play the lottery. They want to win now. |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 3.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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What Will You Do |
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For \$100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.' |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 5.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
"Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"
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Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 6.7/10 (11 votes cast) |
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Problems From the Start #joke #humor |
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.
"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
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Permalink | Source : Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
Rating: 6.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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